A Minnesota Casino Broke The World Record For Reasons Why The World Hates America

Nothing says Labor Day quite like spending four hours to make one hamburger, but that’s what the staff at the Black Bear Casino Resort chose to do in breaking the world record for the largest bacon cheeseburger. The burger weighed in at 2,014 pounds and was 10 feet across, which was all more than enough to take down the previous record at 881 pounds.

“Haha, that’s awesome,” said all of the world’s starving children.

Guinness Records representative Philip Robertson verified the record for biggest burger. He called the feat a result of “remarkable teamwork” and said the burger “actually tastes really good.”

Black Bear’s burger included 60 pounds (27 kilograms) of bacon, 50 pounds (23 kilograms) of lettuce, 50 pounds (23 kilograms) of sliced onions, 40 pounds (18 kilograms) of pickles and 40 pounds (18 kilograms) of cheese. (Via Fox News)

I tried to follow up with Robertson to ask if he was being genuine about the burger actually tasting good, but his assistant said that he was currently having a 16-foot tapeworm removed from his B-hole.

In all seriousness, I’m typically fascinated by world records, because they’re just so over-the-top and ridiculous most of the time, but I think attempts like this need to go the way of the dinosaur. I don’t really care that a 2-ton cheeseburger is excessive and offensive to so many people in our own country let alone the rest of the world, because U-S-A! and all that jazz. But there’s nothing creative about it anymore. Give me something that will really blow me away, like a land speed record for a double-decker toilet or the longest recorded flight by a pug dressed as Charles Lindbergh. This country needs innovation now more than ever.

For a minute, I actually considered calling this the most offensive moment in the history of food, but then I remembered this…

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