Nathan Peterman Is Back And Will Reportedly Start Against The Bears’ Lights-Out Defense

On Monday night we learned that this universe is controlled by a dark and vengeful force, hell-bent on punishing Nathan Peterman for the crimes of humanity. By Tuesday evening it was certain: Peterman must pay, not for his own improprieties, but for the collective malice with which the human race has ruined this planet and made its own kind suffer.

Discovering these facts through a football game may be a bit strange, but the mysteries of this universe are not to be questioned. And so this tale begins with Derek Anderson throwing a pick-six to seal New England’s victory on Monday Night Football in Buffalo against a Bills defense that did all it could to stop the greatest quarterback of all time.

But Buffalo’s offense was built to fail, both due to managerial and coaching incompetence and the decision-making of its head coach. If you turned the game off once the final score was settled, you missed Anderson taking two consecutive sacks that set up the next saga of The Peterman Parable™. The second sack injured Anderson, who left the field holding his arm but actually had suffered a concussion.

So in came the Peter Man, one of the worst quarterbacks in the modern NFL era. Monday Night Football commentator Booger McFarland straight up said Peterman wasn’t an NFL quarterback on the broadcast. But there he was, somehow avoiding to throw an interception in the dying moments of the 25-6 loss. Given his hilariously disastrous last performance, and the numbers Peterman’s pro career carries, the outing could only be categorized as a reluctant success.

Surviving that test was an important one for the Peter Man, who has become a national laughingstock thanks to the Bills starting him in nightmarish Week 1 blowout and since being forced to play him given injuries to cannon-armed rookie Josh Allen. With Anderson’s status looming large, it looked like the Peter Man might actually have to start against Chicago and its impressive defense on Sunday. Indeed, it was reported that Anderson is unlikely to play on Sunday, putting the poor Peter Man in Chicago’s crosshairs in a few short days.

If you are into schadenfreude and for some reason have sworn a blood oath against the Bills, you’re going to have a lot of fun watching them play Chicago on Sunday. But take, for a moment, a brief bit of time to worry about poor Nathan Peterman. He got poor career advice. No one has ever stopped him from making the long series of mistakes that put his health and wellness into the care of the people at One Bills Drive in Orchard Park, New York. He simply doesn’t deserve the suffering he’s gone through, and yet here we are once more.

It’s notable that Bills head coach Sean McDermott wouldn’t even commit to Peterman starting, despite the report that Anderson is concussed and the fact that, well, there isn’t another healthy quarterback on the roster.

McDermott isn’t exactly forthcoming about much in press conferences, but we know by now the way he shows his love for the Peter Man is absolutely by spoiling the proverbial rod, and so into the fires the Peter Man will go. Pray that he survives the vaunted Bears defense and Kahlil Mack, who if healthy will absolutely try to force potential emergency quarterback Terrelle Pryor under center for the Bills. Pryor, of course, just signed on Tuesday.

So who is the next quarterback up for the Bills, if the Peter Man were to throw too many interceptions on Sunday? Well, buddy, it might be you.