Instead of a rambling setup for this piece, here are the three things you need to know:
• The Super Bowl is Sunday.
• It’s between the New England Patriots and Atlanta Falcons.
• You should 100 percent root against the Patriots.
Why? It should be obvious, but in case it’s not I’ve got 30 reasons why no one should be rooting for the Patriots against the Falcons.
1. Bob Kraft let Vladimir Putin wear his Super Bowl ring. You’re an idiot for wearing it to an event that’s not related to the Super Bowl. Allowing someone else to wear it makes you a real moron. If someone asks to wear anything that is currently on your body — ring, necklace, earrings, whatever male jewelry you’re currently donning — the answer is always no unless you’re afraid to say no to Putin because of repercussions from him, which is just like… the love for Donald Trump is making more sense now.
2. Bob Kraft was too scared to immediately take the ring back. Why back a coward? You know what’s brave? Arthur Blank’s suit choices. I choose to back a brave owner.
3. They are known cheaters. Spygate. Deflategate. If they can film it or deflate it against the rules, they will do it.
4. They are unknown cheaters. Imagine all the ways the Patriots, who we have already established as known cheaters, may have also cheated. Faulty headsets. Hidden microphones. Vince Wilfork farting into a vent that leads directly to the visiting locker room. It’s like Rachel’s mom said about Ross: “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”
5. They’ve already won a bunch of Super Bowls. What sort of weirdo doesn’t root for the underdog? Are you really someone that was rooting against the iguana in the video where it was being chased by snakes?
6. Tom Brady is balding and hides it. If he’s hiding baldness, what else is hiding? Besides the fact he liked getting footballs deflated against the rules? Is he even a legal citizen? Maybe we should ask to see his passport and social media channels the next time he’s at an airport.
7. Tom Brady left his pregnant girlfriend. If you were making a movie and wanted to establish the villain’s badness in the first five minutes, you have him walk out on his pregnant girlfriend.
8. Tom Brady cheats at football. The deflated football thing we already covered.
9. Tom Brady helped Donald Trump get elected. He left a “Make America Great Again” hat in his locker for weeks. That hat will be looked back on in 20 years as our generation’s swastika. Whether he was too stupid to realize this or didn’t care, it doesn’t matter.
10. Tom Brady won’t answer questions about his friend, Donald Trump. He’s happy to support him but won’t say a word now that Trump in his office. He’s a coward, much like Bob Kraft. If any of my friends ever became President, I’d answer any and all questions about them, good or bad. “President Kevin? Yeah man, once crapped himself mid-kegstand. All over the woman holding his legs too. College? No, it was during the campaign.”
11. Tom Brady doesn’t care about what’s going on in the world. He’s just a positive person with no access to news. He can’t possibly comment on civil unrest caused by his pal in the White House. But hey, he got choked up about his dad. What a guy.
12. Tom Brady is a jerk teammate. When Dez Bryant throws a hissy fit on the sidelines, he’s a bad teammate. When Brady does it after two straight three-and-outs, he just cares so much about winning that he has to show that fire.
13. Tom Brady was in Entourage. Anyone that’s ever appeared on that show is worth rooting against.
14. Tom Brady was in Ted 2. He wasn’t even in the better of the Ted movies, which are both bad.
15. Tom Brady wants to sell you $100 pajamas. Why are people confused as to why anyone would hate this guy?
16. Seriously, Tom Brady hasn’t disavowed anything Trump has done. It can’t be overstated the level of garbage person this makes Brady. If Brady was duped — and a lot of people were, because that’s what Trump has done to people his whole life and throughout his campaign — fine. Just say it. Offer a mea culpa. Or own it. You don’t get to keep that hat in your locker then distance yourself from it when a Trump presidency becomes a reality.
17. Gisele may talk crap again. Remember when she blamed Wes Welker for Brady’s crappy pass that caused Welker to jump and turn when he was wide-open? Don’t you want to hear her go off on Chris Hogan because he didn’t get low enough to get his hands under some bad throw near the goal line?
18. Bill Belichick cut Tiquan Underwood the night before Super Bowl 46. This is a team of super villains. You’re rooting for the giant poop monster at the end of Batman v Superman if you’re rooting for the Patriots.
19. Bill Belichick cut a guy two days after his house burned down. I mean, it’s a business and all, but you know he went full Palpatine when delivering the news to the poor guy who, funny enough, was later signed by the Falcons.
20. Bill Belichick is also a friend and lover of Trump. Just re-read the earlier Brady/Trump stuff.
21. Bill Belichick is a pissy baby when things don’t go his way. Remember when the 18-0 Patriots lost the Super Bowl to the New York Giants, the most wonderful team in the NFL, and Belichick refused to shake Tom Coughlin’s hand? That’s some real Trump stuff right there.
22. The Patriot Way. As annoying as the Yankees may have been in the late-1990s and early-2000s, they’ve yet to come up with anything as contrived and full of crap as “The Patriot Way.” I’d rather hear about the classic Kiefer Sutherland movie The Cowboy Way than one more mention of The Patriot Way.
23. The Patriot Way II. Remember Aaron Hernandez? The guy who did the murder? The Patriots were well aware of his personal, off-field issues in college and drafted him anyway. Why? Because he was really good at catching footballs. Sure, they couldn’t have known he was a future murderer, but this notion that The Patriot Way comes first when signing and re-signing players is a hunk of crap that I still can’t believe gets tossed around today.
24. The stupid third down horn at Foxboro. You don’t realize how many third downs there are in a game until you’re watching the Patriots play at home and they blare that dumb horn. I don’t understand the point. Patriots fans can count to three and know which numbers are fewer than 10, right? No, really, I’m asking.
25. Is it Foxboro or Foxborough? Can’t get behind a team that can’t even name the place they play with any consistency.
26. The persecution complex of Patriots fans. Yes, yes. It’s you vs. the NFL. The NFL hates you. The NFL hates Tom Brady. They hate you because they ain’t you. Or maybe the NFL has imposed sanctions against a team that has been caught cheating twice. Just throwing that out there. Maybe the NFL wouldn’t be out to get the Patriots if they weren’t there for the getting. The insufferable nature of the Patriots fans if their team won a Super Bowl in the same season Brady was punished for cheating would be at record levels. No one needs that. Heck, there are Patriots fans that probably can’t take it from their closest friends.
27. It will make Mark Wahlberg sad. And if there’s one thing we can all get behind, it’s making Mark Wahlberg sad.
28. Worst logo in sports. They had the wonderful Patriot dude snapping the football all those years ago and now they have a profile shot of that stone thing from Night At The Museum wearing a hat that got caught in some bicycle spokes. It sucks. They suck.
29. The word “Patriots” is already ruined. Ever get harassed on Twitter? Ever get someone in your mentions with the worst imaginable opinions about current events and refers to you by a girl’s name and/or calls you a snowflake or tells you to get the hell out of America? There’s a 100 percent chance that guy has “patriot” in his Twitter bio. You’re basically rooting for that one step above Twitter eggs if you’re rooting for the Patriots.
30. New England. What a stupid name. “New England.” You don’t pick the city or state in which you play? This is a team that is named after an area that is named after a country that used tyrannical methods to exert unfair authority over American citizens and… the love for Trump makes all the sense now.