New York City's Virgins Are Rallying Around Their Ultimate Icon, Tim Tebow

Senior Writer
08.23.12 4 Comments

The New York Jets are 0-2 in the 2012 NFL Preseason thus far, and quarterback Mark Sanchez is a combined 13/17 for 80 yards, 0 TD and 1 INT in those two games. At the same time, the Jets’ backup QB and fan favorite Tim Tebow is a combined 9/22 for 96 yards, 0 TD and 1 INT. Needless to say, this is not a good sign for the Jets. But it’s not time to panic yet, because it’s just the preseason, after all, and besides, it’s all Wayne Hunter’s fault.

When it comes to Tebow’s actual on-field performances, though, nobody seems to care. Well, Boomer Esiason does, but that’s about it. After all, today’s hottest news about Tebow is that he was the only Jets QB to throw a football 25 yards into a trash can after 11 or so attempts (bonus pic at KSK), and South Carolina approved the Tebow Law, which allows home-schooled teenagers to play high school football.

And then there’s the New York Times, which is “reporting” that with preseason under way, the Big Apple’s biggest virgin will finally face his ultimate temptation.

Welcome to New York, Tim Tebow. Now that the Jets have broken training camp and Tebow, a famous chaste Christian, becomes a full-time New Yorker, it has become a common, and mildly amusing, pastime to fret about the temptations he might face or the potential loneliness he might suffer.

Now? We were doing this months ago. Like when our friends at Rick’s Cabaret told us they were offering Tebow his (presumably) first lap dance. Somehow he fought that one off, so I’m not sure how this is suddenly news.

Thankfully, Times writer Bob Tedeschi spoke with Trinity Laurel (pic here, because we’re pervs), a 28-year old woman who moved to NYC at 21 to be a model. She was a virgin then and she remains one til this day, so she knows what Tebow is going through.

“Twenty-four is a really tough age,” Laurel said. “You’ve been out of college a couple of years. You’ve had some fun.” That’s when a sense of isolation can set in, she said, and erode one’s devotion to chastity.

Tedeschi spoke with additional devout Christians in New York, but none of them offered any real challenges, as they only admitted that it gets harder to hold out as a person gets older. The bottom line is that it’s none of our business what Tebow does with his Holy Grail, and he’s an adult who will make the decision that’s best for him when he knows that it’s time.

And we’ll know which girl he’s chosen because she’ll have a giant hole in her back.

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