News For Kids: Don't Get Drunk And Win The Demolition Derby

08.15.11 7 years ago 6 Comments

Cycling has erythropoietin. Major League Baseball has “the cream” and “the clear”. But news out of Jessamine County, Kentucky, confirms that the hallowed sport of Demolition Derby has the most harmful performance enhancing drug of all — getting piss drunk.

36-year-old David Warner has officially gotten in trouble for the dumbest thing in human history. Nicholasville police at the Jessamine County Fair arrested Warner and charged him with DUI after receiving complaints about his driving in a demolition derby. They approached him after he got out of his car, noting that he was “staggering” and not once attributing this to the fact that he’d just spent the last however long driving his f**king car into things. This sounds like the type of thing any free-thinking, rational adult would laugh at and dismiss, but people who love Kentucky enough to try and run its parks and rec events are outraged.

“The young man has no future here as far as events. He will not be allowed to participate in any event on these fairgrounds,” Jessamine County Fair board president Jay Bruner said.

Warner talked to NEWSFIRST Thursday afternoon saying he was unfairly treated, and called the charge ridiculous.

“I mean, I’m not denying I wasn’t drinking by no means, but I was not drunk. I was under the limit,” Warner said. Warner claims he drank a few beers before hitting the track, to “loosen me up,” but he said it wasn’t enough to warrant a DUI.

“I’m not perfect, but this has gone too far, and I will fight it,” he said.

Saying you’ve been drinking but were still “under the limit” is like starting sentences with “how is it racist when” or “how it it racist that” to prove you aren’t being racist. I think “yes I was drunk, but you’d think traffic laws wouldn’t apply when I’m crashing into things for sport about twenty feet from the pig tent” would be the better argument, or maybe “why don’t you arrest the guy operating that rigged-ass ring toss”.

The worst part is that Warner WON the damn thing, and now he could be stripped of his trophy and prize money. You drive drunk at a Kentucky fair demolition derby and there’s still room to fall.

[h/t Off The Bench]

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