Sports

NFL Week 1 Predictions: The Pats Get Payback, And Other Important Prognostications

Our month-long nightmare is over. We have football. REAL football, none of this diet stuff we’ve been subsisting on for the last month. Real, genuine, hard hitting, CTE-causing, billion-dollar industry football. It’s wonderful. We can finally stop pretending to care about baseball and get back to what matters… watching 300-pound chess pieces slam into each other. Make no mistake, football is chess. The players are the pieces, the coaches are the players, and the owners are the rich snobs setting up the event. Each move is calculated under pressure of time. The only difference is real chess has a much higher probability of ACL tears, which is why they have to sit there all the time.

This is the inaugural week! The opener! This is the week you gotta hit ‘em fast and strong! Surely, we must have some great match-ups waiting for us! As a bonus, I plan on doing these predictions for the whole season, with a twist. Starting this week, I’ll be predicting all the winners (not by some mathematical formula, purely by instinct) and if I am wrong, I will have to draw a cartoon as punishment. So for each game, I will pick a winner, then say what I will draw if I lose. There will be no drawings this week, obviously, but next week, I will post the pictures of all my errors.

So without further adieu, what games are on the menu for this week?

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

This is the match-up we deserve. An entire offseason debating whether Tom Brady was a weird football pervert and liked his balls deflated. The entire Patriots organization is once again hazed in cheaty mystery. The golem that calls itself Bill Belichick must take on Omar Epps and the Pittsburgh Steelers. The Steelers come into the game shorthanded. Le’Veon bell is suspended. Martavis Bryant is suspended. Maurkice Pouncey is hurt. Ben Roethlisberger’s brain currently has a “space for rent” sign hanging out of the ears. Now these bums have to play an angry, Boston style hate fueled recently vindicated Tom Brady out for revenge? The Steelers are boned. Someone I know is convinced that the Steelers are strongest when they should get destroyed, but if that happens, I’d start praying so you aren’t left behind for the upcoming rapture.

Patriots 87, Steelers 21

If the Steelers win this game, I will draw a picture of Ben Roethlisberger kicking Tom Brady in the balls shouting “DEFLATE DEEZ NUTS” while Brady farts terrible towels.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ BUFFALO BILLS

Possibly the best young QB in the game. He can do it from all angles. He has incredible weapons to work with. His prowess unmatched. His accuracy pinpoint, his decision making would make five-star generals feel inadequate. Tyrod Taylor will surely deliver the Bills to the Promised Land. How couldn’t he? He has LeSean McCoy as his halfback. He has Percy Harvin and Sammy Watkins as wideouts. He’s got Mario Williams leading a Rex Ryan defense on the opposite side of the ball. Tyrod had a great preseason, and that obviously always translates to historical success. On the other side of the ball? Some schmuck who looks like the GEICO caveman chucking balls to some old dude from the Texans, and a running back who was alive during the French Revolution. Tyrod has this. Remember where you were on Sunday, as that is when the legend of Tyrod Taylor began. With a loss.

Colts 34, Bills 23

If Tyrod beats Andrew Luck, I will draw Rex Ryan telling Luck that he’s switching to Progressive.

PACKERS @ BEARS

It’s 5 p.m… Jay Cutler rolls out of bed because his bladder pressure has finally outdone his desire to not get up. He stumbles into the bathroom and sits down to pee, because who the hell cares. He finds a cigarette butt next to the toilet. Picks it up. Still mostly dry, still has some tobacco left, good enough. He lights it and takes a big hit, coughs, and opens the secret panel in the wall that hides his stash of Lone Star from his wife. He chugs it, and that’s when he notices his phone going off. He pulls it up, stares for a few minutes trying to remember his unlock pattern, fails a few times then gets it right. He has 16 texts from John Fox. Football starts on Sunday, remember your things, be on time, blah blah blah. Jay grunts, gives off a wet fart, doesn’t bother to flush, and goes to take his insulin shot. “Another few months of this crap again, I gotta find a new job” he mutters.

Packers 35, Bears 17

If the Bears win, I will draw Jay Cutler putting out his cigarette on Aaron Rodgers as Rodgers cries at the grave of Jordy Nelson.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ HOUSTON TEXANS

JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt JJ Watt Jamaal Charles lol Alex Smith’s Tiny Hands can’t throw beyond 10 yards.

Texans 24, Chiefs 21

If the Chiefs win, I will draw Alex Smith as the Grinch standing on J.J. Watt with a narrator saying, “And his hands grew three sizes that day.”

CLEVELAND BROWNS @ NEW YORK JETS

If you wanna piss off a Jets fan (which isn’t hard, just suggest the Jets are not a good football team), I have an excellent technique given to me by a third grader. Todd Bowles? More like Turd Bowels. This game was a hot, Cleveland steaming contender for my TURD OF THE WEEK selection, but it was just edged out because the Jets still have a killer defense, and it’ll probably be hilarious watching Muhammad Wilkerson turn Josh McCown into a fine paste. I only expect McCown to throw three interceptions (two to Revis and one to Cromartie), but that’s only because he will literally die by the third quarter. By the fourth quarter, Austin Davis will be the starter, after Leonard Williams consumes Johnny Manziel as a snack.

On the Browns side, we get to see Terrelle Pryor! As a wide receiver! Terrelle Pryor made a roster and Tebow did not. Sometimes the NFL is just. The new Browns uniforms are garbage.

Jets 17, Browns 10

If the Browns win, I will draw Turd Bowels.

Bland vs disaster

DrawPlayDave

MIAMI DOLPHINS @ WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM

The only real question here is will RGIII get hurt trying to sit on the bench too fast? (He will.)

Dolphins 31, Skins 13

If the Skins win, I will draw RGIII stuffing a Dolphin’s blowhole with a Subway Cold Cut Combo.

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

CAT FIGHT! Jaxson De Ville retired from the Jaguars sidelines, so, as far as anyone should be concerned, the Jags are no longer interesting and Cam Newton will probably crash through them like an SUV flipping down the highway. The Jags third overall draft pick tore his ACL mere days after he was drafted, the Jags last third overall pick is named Bortles, and the Jags second overall pick spent last year on IR. I eagerly await the next Jags top five pick. Panthers in a landslide.

Panthers 36, Jaguars 13

If the Jags win, I will draw Cam Newton drowned in the Jaguars stadium swimming pools as Shahid Khan pokes him with a stick.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS @ ST. LOUIS RAMS

It’s kind of amazing to watch Russell Wilson grow from a surprising underdog rookie no one expected to do anything to a rising star, Super Bowl-winner, and now to irritating corporate Jesus robot. There was a time when I loved Russell Wilson, and now I want him to eat dirt simply in hopes that it might elicit a human reaction. The Rams are run by Jeff Fisher and Gregggggggg Williams, so I fully expect Russell to eat some dirt, especially because the Rams have an incredible D-line and the Seahawks traded away their only good O-lineman for Jimmy Graham, who breaks out in hives when he’s forced to block. Foles should be an upgrade over Sam “Glass Knees” Bradford, but it still won’t be enough to stop that Seattle D.

Seahawks 21, Rams 17

If the Rams win, I will draw Nick Foles peeing into Russell Wilson’s recovery water as Russell drinks it and talks about Jesus.

DETROIT LIONS @ SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

I feel like this game could be good. The Lions have a good D and a serviceable to good O, and the Chargers are mediocre, but have that ability to be good out of nowhere. Honestly, I have no idea what to expect here so… LIONS IT IS! My lock of the week. Bet your entire life savings on it.

Lions 30, Chargers 28

If the Chargers win, I will draw Philip Rivers making a dumb face as his bolo tie shoots a laser through Stafford.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS

This is the hardest game for the Pope. He doesn’t know who to root for. Does he root for the Saints? But the Saints weren’t saints he ordained, and they once got caught hurting other players for money. That’s not very saintly, and their logo is French, and the French are godless heathens. On the other hand, can he actually root for the Cardinals? All the Cardinals just want his job. They sit there waiting for him to die. He’s gotta think about his future. So he puts his bets on the Saints. He’s in some serious gambling debt so his hat is riding on this one. He picks the Cardinals, if they win, then he wins, and they are no closer to his job.

Cardinals 30, Saints 24

If the Saints win, I will draw Drew Brees awkwardly standing over a Cardinals fan who is weeping over a picture of Kurt Warner.

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ DENVER BRONCOS

It’s Week 1. Peyton Manning has no reason to choke yet, and Joe Flacco has no reason to be #elite yet.

Broncos 40, Ravens 24

If the Ravens win, I will draw Joe Flacco being elite as sh*t.

CINCINATTI BENGALS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS

The Raiders are perpetually very close to finally putting it together and climbing out of the gutter to become mediocre. Remember last year when they finally had cap space and drafted Khalil Mack? They had a chance! Then it took most of the season to win a game. Now they drafted Amari Cooper! He’s gonna set the league on fire! They cut Trent Richardson, which is addition by subtraction! News-flash, the Raiders will still probably be bad, and this game is during Sunday afternoon, so the Andy Dalton with DirecTV will show up and drop three touchdowns and the Bengals get well on their way to a first round playoff exit.

Bengals 28, Raiders 14

If the Raiders win, I will draw the Andy Dalton who has cable.

PHILEDELPHIA EAGLES @ ATLANTA FALCONS

BIRDFIGHT! Birdemic, shock and bad defense, coming to a southern theater near you. As much as I hate the Eagles, they always start out looking good to give their fanbase horrible delusions of grandeur, so I expect Sam Bradford to stay healthy to at least Week 3 and look like a Pro Bowl QB. Especially against this Falcons “Defense.” The Falcons cut Sexy Rexy and the Eagles cut Tebow, so we were robbed of what could have been the best backup QB fight possible, and this entire game deserves to burn like Atlanta did in the civil war.

Eagles 45, Falcons 28

If the Falcons win, I will draw Tim Tebow hitting Chip Kelly with a battery.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ SANTA CLARA 49ERS

This game is going to be aired at 10:20 EST on Monday night. It’s going to be between a former powerhouse that blew itself up over petty reasons and left Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force in charge, and a team led by a second year QB who specializes in boring fundamentals and a RB who beat his child bloody. Nobody is going to watch this game except the sad sack fans of these two teams, and that is fine by me.

49ERS 10, VIKINGS 9

If the Vikings win, I will draw Colin Kaepernick getting a new tattoo that says #7oser on his butt.

TURD OF THE WEEK!

TENESSEE TITANS @ TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Why is this game my turd of the week? It features the top two picks in the draft! For once, the Titans might actually get some coverage as people want to see Mariota play, and they want to see Jameis Winston eat sh*t! The reason this game is going to be a turd is simple: Both of these teams are still turds. They were No. 1 and No. 2 overall in the draft for a reason. The Bucs have two good receivers, one good D-lineman, and nothing else. The Titans have… well, I’m sure they have somebody. This is the first pro game for both Mariota and Winston. They aren’t going to be good yet. Plus, nobody cares about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers except Warren Sapp because it’s the only place he wasn’t seen as a piece of human scum. The only people who care about the Titans are… the five or six Titans fans in existence and good natured Oregon Ducks fans who don’t know what they’ve gotten themselves into. This game is going to be a sloppy, disgusting mess between two teams that don’t matter, won’t matter, and probably don’t wipe.

Tampa Bay 21, Titans 9

If the Titans win, I will draw Marcus Mariota stealing Jameis’ crab legs.

GAME OF THE WEEK!

NEW YORK GIANTS @ DALLAS COWBOYS

“But Dave,” you say, “You’re a Giants fan, and you’re really going to pick your own game as the game of the week? You dirty biased NFC East loving scumbag. I hate you. Die in a fire.”

I may die in a fire, but I did not pick this game entirely due to bias about the importance of my team. The Giants are going to lose, because they’ve lost three opening games in a row, and two of them were to Dallas. As much as I hate Dallas, and as much as I hate NFC East primetime games (I just want to sit down on a Sunday afternoon and watch my team act like farts, I hate primetime games), I simply cannot deny the chaos that is Dallas/Giants. For the past several seasons, Giants/Cowboys has been a delightful rivalry of insanity. The Giants shattered Tony Romo’s clavicle in 2010 and almost lost to Jon Kitna, then did lose to Jon Kitna. In 2011, you had the JPP blocked field goal game and the Dallas complete meltdown in Week 17. In 2013, the Giants had the six-turnover game. In 2012, the Giants once blew a 24-point lead and then won on a field goal, in Dallas. Last year, we had OBJ completely break the internet in a game the Giants ended up losing. All the games are competitive and feature insanity. You may hate both of these teams, you may want both of these teams to stop getting all the primetime, but you cannot deny that these two teams produce entertaining as hell chaos football. I expect nothing less for the opener. The Giants will lose, but it’ll be on something absurd like a Romoception that Landon Collins then fumbles, and Jason Witten picks it up and runs for a TD because the Giants are incapable of realizing Jason Witten exists.

Dallas 36, Giants 31

If the Giants win, I will draw OBJ and Eli high-fiving over sad Romo.

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