Well, that was a confusing week of football. After half a season, it seemed like most teams had settled into an obvious groove and the rest of the season was going to play out as expected. But now things are back in chaos, and the fate of a few teams is now very much up in the air. Most depressingly, it appears my powers over the Saints have come and gone like the wind, and now Rob Ryan is dead. Well, fired, but basically dead.
What else happened? LETS RECAP!
- The Packers might actually be a bad team, as the almost impossibly long streak of Detroit losing in Lambeau Field finally came to an end, despite the Lions trying their best to fail miserably. There are 24-year-old Packer fans who have never seen a loss to Detroit in Lambeau Field who are now going through an existential crisis.
- Who would have ever predicted Kirk Cousins would get a defensive coordinator fired? Well, I guess if Kirk Cousins drops four touchdowns on you, you deserve to get canned. Fabio Rob Ryan is dead. Long live Fabio.
- Cam Newton did a little dance and crusty humorless people got mad about it. Cam Newton responds to stupid humorless people with kickass burn. Cam Newton is awesome and people who get mad about celebration dances are dumb.
- Peyton Manning broke the all-time passing record on ironically one of the worst days of his career. Now they say he’s hurt and Broncos fans get to see BROCK LOBSTER.
- The Bengals played a primetime game and finally went full Bengals against Texans backup T.J. Yates. J.J. Watt had possibly the lamest burn ready for the post-game interview, and Andy Dalton made himself even lamer by getting really huffy about it.
- The Ravens are really dumb and bad and lost again.
- The Browns managed to knock Landry Jones out of the game, only for the injured Ben Roethlisberger to come in and embarrass them, no matter how hard Johnny Manziel tried.
- Dallas did it. They really did it. Seven games without Romo, and seven games lost. What’s even more remarkable? They remain just three games out of first place in the NFC East.
- The Patriots stayed perfect, but had to earn it against the Giants, losing Julian Edelman in the process. The Vikings moved into first place and established themselves as real contenders. Sam Bradford finally got hurt weeks after we all expected it, and the Bears are quietly winning games.
It was also a really bad week for my predictions. I went 7-7. Seven cartoons ahoy, my friends, a rough week for me, but a good week for you!
If the Bills win, I will draw COLOR RUSH IK Enemkpali COLOR PUNCHING Geno Smith. Again.
If the Jags win, I will draw a new Gummy Bear flavor, Joe Flacco is not Elite flavor.
If the Bears win, I will draw a Bear laughing as a Ram falls down a mountain.
If the Lions somehow win, in Green Bay, I will draw Jim Caldwell’s reaction.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Dan Campbell smashing a table full of smoothies.
If the Chiefs win, I will draw noodle-armed Alex Smith linguine slapping noodle-armed Peyton Manning.
If the Texans win, I will draw J.J. Watt cooking a steak over an open flame (the open flame is Andy Dalton’s hair).
That was rough on my drawing shoulder. Let’s see who we got on the platter this week, and hopefully I won’t be so bad this time.
TITANS @ JAGUARS
Battle of crap. Actually excuse me, it’s COLOR RUSH BATTLE OF CRAP. The Titans are a reasonable team with Marcus Mariota at the helm, and the Jaguars are bad.
If the Jaguars Win, I will draw a COLOR RUSH Blake Bortles flushing a COLOR RUSHED blue toilet.
RAMS @ RAVENS
Jeff Fisher’s MO is to be as .500 as possible. They are currently 4-5. The Ravens are awful. You do the math.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Joe Flacco doing a striptease because why the hell not? Don’t like it? Root for St. Louis.
REDSKINS @ PANTHERS
The Panthers have to fall sometime, but until they do, it’s hard to pick against them.
If the Redskins win, I will draw Kirk Cousins doing Cam Newton’s dance and screaming YOU LIKE THAT!
BRONCOS @ BEARS
I know the Broncos are in disarray, but they get Talib back and the defense is still good. Plus, they get the Brock Bump.
If the Bears win, I will draw the Broncos exploding with Jay Cutler walking away not looking back.
COWBOYS @ DOLPHINS
The Cowboys finally get Romo back and, for the time being, it will probably work against a mediocre at best Dolphins team.
If the Dolphins win, I’ll draw Suh eating the cereal Jerry J-o’s with Cowboy fan tears as milk.
RAIDERS @ LIONS
The Lions won their Super Bowl for the season last week against the Packers. They still suck, but they can at least finish the season, on fire, smiling that it’s finally over.
If the Lions win, we get Jim Caldwell with Mark Davis hair.
JETS @ TEXANS
Man, a whole slew of games this week that could go either way.
If the Texans win, I will draw J.J. Watt swatting down Jets as King Kong.
COLTS @ FALCONS
The Falcons have been exposed as a paper tiger and I will not be fooled anymore.
If the Falcons win, I will draw a six-pack of Matty Ice.
BUCCANEERS @ EAGLES
The Eagles are confusing, so who knows.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Chip Kelly getting punched by the Rocky Statue.
CHIEFS @ CHARGERS
Like I said before, I’m not picking the Chargers again this year.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Alex Smith being drowned in Philip Rivers babies.
PACKERS @ VIKINGS
The Packers are in total disarray. This is the Vikings’ chance to really cement their hold on the division.
If the Packers win, I will draw viking Teddy Bridgewater defeated by a cheese dragon.
49ERS @ SEAHAWKS
The Seahawks are deeply flawed, but the 49ers are poop.
If the 49ers win, I will draw Blaine the Pain Train Gabbert Stone Cold Stunning Russell Wilson.
BENGALS @ CARDINALS
A tough call. The Bengals in primetime against a good team. This is a fantastic match-up, and I’m still unconvinced Andy Dalton is now a hero.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Andy Dalton as the Human Torch.
BILLS @ PATRIOTS
If the Bills win, I will draw Rex Ryan feasting on Tom Brady’s bones.