The NFL regular season is already one fourth over (how depressing is that?), and this past week of action featured some expected results, shed some light on certain teams, and ended with one very controversial moment.
The hype over the Raiders cooled off as Chicago finally won a game, same with the Cardinals. The chatty Bills couldn’t stop shooting themselves in the foot, the Falcons might be the team to beat in the NFC, the Dolphins are in panic mode, and the Cowboys can’t get it done without Romo. The Eagles might be contending for the No. 1 draft pick, all kickers are apparently terrible now, and the Jags couldn’t manage to beat Matt Hasselbeck. I won’t even go into the Lions-Seahawks game, because that’s been talked about enough already.
But the biggest surprise of the week was probably that the Packers only beat the 49ers by 14 points. For my predictions last week, I went 11-5, putting me at 44-21 on the season. The games I chose wrong all seemed to be my worst ideas, too, so this was a sad week for football cartoons, but what must be done will be done. Here are the five games I chose wrong:
“If the Giants win, I will draw Cruz dancing the Salsa on Rex Ryan’s grave.” (I made this bet when Cruz was still expected to play, so I switched it to Rueben Randle, who did a Salsa in his honor.)
If the Redskins win, I’ll draw Sam Bradford’s spirit tearing its ACL.
If the Bears win, I’ll draw Jimmy Clausen taking up smoking from Jay Cutler.
If the Rams win, I will draw Nick Foles parting the “Red Sea.”
If the Saints win, I will draw Luke McCown giving respect to his elder Brandon Weeden.
With that done, it’s time to pick some games! Here’s our Week 5 predictions:
COLTS @ TEXANS
Both of these teams are playing like grandmas falling down stairs. This is the match-up we deserve on Thursday night. The Colts are slightly better at finding dumb ways to win.
If the Texans win, I will draw Bill O’Brien’s butt chin farting on Andrew Luck.
BILLS @ TITANS
The Bills will keep it close by constantly getting flagged, but that strong defense is going to be the hardest test of the year so far for Mariota.
If the Titans win, I will draw Rex Ryan drowning in a sea of flags as Duck Mariota swims on the surface quacking.
BEARS @ CHIEFS
The Bears may have Cutler back and may have finally won a game, but it won’t last against the Chiefs in KC.
If the Bears win, I will draw Jay Cutler dangling BBQ over Andy Reid’s head.
RAMS @ PACKERS
I do not understand the Rams. They stifle the Seahawks, lose to the Skins and Big Ben-less Steelers, then manage to beat the 3-0 Cardinals. Does Jeff Fisher only dress his team up for divisional games? I guess so. Pick the Packers.
If the Rams win, I will draw a Ram ramming through a giant hunk of cheese.
SAINTS @ EAGLES
This game is two handicapped squirrels falling out of a tree, trying to see who hits the ground hardest.
If the Saints win, I will draw Rob Ryan peeing on the Liberty Bell.
BROWNS @ RAVENS
My goodness, this slate of early games is bad. Ravens probably win because the Browns still think Josh McCown is the answer.
If the Browns win, I will draw the Brownie tying the Raven down to a table with a pendulum swinging over it and the Brownie laughing “nevermore.”
SEAHAWKS @ BENGALS
The Seahawks offensive line might be the worst in the league, and they needed a miracle play and a missed call to defeat the winless Detroit Lions at home in Seattle. The Hawks are not themselves.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Russell Wilson as Popeye with nanobubbles as his spinach.
JAGUARS @ BUCCANEERS
If the Jags can’t win this game, Gus Bradley should probably be fired no matter how much the Jags love him.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Jameis Winston as a pirate slicing off Shahid Khan’s mustache.
REDSKINS @ FALCONS
The Falcons are 4-0 against bad teams. Do we actually know if the Falcons are legit yet? We won’t find out this week, because they get to beat up another bad team.
If the Redskins win, I will draw Kirk Cousins laughing as Atlanta burns.
CARDINALS @ LIONS
The Lions keep finding inventive ways to lose. This week, the inventive way to lose will be having the game out of reach eight minutes into the first quarter.
If the Lions win, I will draw Jim Caldwell making Jim Caldwell face as he roasts a Cardinal over an open fire
PATRIOTS @ COWBOYS
Maybe we’ll get lucky and Greg Hardy will throw Tom Brady onto a bed of guns, but I’m pretty sure we’re going to have to deal with more “UNDEFEATED SEASON?” talks again soon.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Arts and Crafts Tony Romo pelting Tom Brady with Crownies.
BRONCOS @ RAIDERS
Peyton Manning has weaker arm strength than an unborn fetus right now, and the Broncos keep winning anyway.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Peyton Manning’s noodle arms being eaten by Lady and the Tramp.
49ERS @ GIANTS
If the 49ers win, I will draw Jim Tomsula farting in Tom Coughlin’s old wrinkled face.
STEELERS @ CHARGERS
No real feeling here, so just going with the home team.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Mike Tomlin talking to Dr. House as Philip Rivers lies dead in the hospital bed.
See our illustrations from previous weeks: