Another week of NFL action in the books, another week closer to death. It was a pretty average week; nothing too crazy happened. A quick summary:
- The Seahawks managed to stay relevant by edging out the woeful 49ers.
- The Jets put up a fight against New England, but ultimately lost.
- The Lions lost again (no surprise) and replaced their OC with a man named Jim Bob Cooter. The Vikings are 4-2 without anyone seeming to notice because the Vikings are incredibly dull even when they do neat stuff.
- The Dolphins utterly and completely vaporized the Texans. Arian Foster tore his Achilles and is out for the year, and moron backup Ryan Mallett overslept, missed the plane, and was cut on Tuesday.
- The Steelers, who managed to beat the Cardinals last week, somehow then lost to a bad Chiefs team without Jamaal Charles OR Jeremy Maclin.
- The Cardinals took care of business against the Ravens, who are now 1-6 and have lost each game by less than eight points.
- The Panthers continue to dominate, taking advantage of an Eagles team unable to cut down on the mistakes.
- The Colts lost to New Orleans. Chuck Pagano’s job is officially in major trouble.
- The Jaguars won the London game, but tried desperately to lose it first. Bills starter EJ Manuel became the first starting QB to lose in three different countries.
- The Chargers are a mess and the Raiders continue to surprise.
- Kirk Cousins had one of his good days against the sad sack Buccaneers, who gave up a 24-point lead to lose in the final minute.
- The Giants played like crap, but still overcame the floundering Cowboys, who have yet to win without Tony Romo and suffered a very public blowup and media overload because of Greg Hardy.
I went 9-5 last week, not the best outing, but still ahead of the curve. Thankfully, these lost games gave us some great images to work with, especially more Fabio Rob Ryan. So, let’s see who surprised!
I had completely lost faith in the Jaguars, but I forgot EJ Manuel was going to be starting. Still, the Bills almost managed a comeback to prove me right, only to fail in the final minutes.
If the Jags win, I will draw a British gentleman Jaguar driving a Jaguar.
Many of us have written the Saints off, but don’t look now: They’ve won three games. Maybe we should just write the Colts off instead.
If the Saints win, I will draw Rob Ryan as Fabio riding Andrew Luck like a horse.
The Steelers are a good team without their QB. In that timespan, they’ve played the Ravens, Cardinals, Chiefs, and Chargers. They’ve managed to lose the two games they probably should have won (Ravens/Chiefs) and won the two games they should have lost (Cards/Chargers).
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Kool-Aid Man Andy Reid bursting through a steel curtain.
The Raiders aren’t there yet, but as the Chargers fade, the Raiders move into position to fight for a Wild Card instead.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Philip Rivers throwing a huge baby tantrum.
The Cowboys totally dominated the line of scrimmage, yet, thanks to three interceptions and a glorious kick return from former Cowboy Dwayne Harris, the Giants pulled victory out of their ass. It also helps when Cole Beasley muffs a punt.
If the Giants win, I will draw Derpy Eli Manning as Dr. Manhattan with a Dad Bod.
So, who have we got on the slate this week? Let’s take a look.
DOLPHINS @ PATRIOTS
This is the big test for coach McMuscles. The Dolphins have played brilliantly over the past two weeks, but the Texans and Titans are bottom-feeder competition. The Patriots on a short week? That’s the real deal. It’s hard to see a coach entering his third week ever out-coaching the dark lord of the Sith.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Coach McMuscles Dan Campbell Gronk-spiking Gronk himself.
LIONS @ CHIEFS
I’ve expelled Taco Bell from both ends at the same time, and the result was probably prettier than this game will be.
If the Lions win, I will draw Matthew Stafford doing a keg stand on Walrus Andy Reid.
BUCCANEERS @ FALCONS
If the Buccaneers are going to surrender a 24-point lead to Kirk “YOU LIKE THAT” Cousins, they probably have no chance against Devonta Freeman and Julio Jones.
If the Buccaneers win, I will draw the Muscle Hamster.
CARDINALS @ BROWNS
The Browns are like a a box wine that only gets worse with age and was made with spoiled grapes to begin with.
If the Browns win, I will draw the Bruce Arians committing Seppuku in shame.
49ERS @ RAMS
The Rams have found this Todd Gurley character, and he seems to be quite good at football. The 49ers are the opposite of Good At Football.
If the 49ers win, I will draw Jim Tomsula eating many victory meatball subs with a pipe connected to his butt, leading to an isolated gas chamber where Jeff Fisher screams.
GIANTS @ SAINTS
The Giants don’t have a good history in the city below sea level, but I kind of want to just keep picking against the Saints, so I have more chances to draw Rob Ryan as Fabio.
If the Saints win, we get more Rob Ryan as Fabio.
VIKINGS @ BEARS
The Vikings are actually kinda good! Did you know? Nobody does. Nobody has noticed.
If the Bears win, I will draw Jay Cutler getting a light from a Viking who is on fire.
CHARGERS @ RAVENS
I hate the Chargers this season. So far in seven weeks, I’ve picked Chargers games wrong four times, three of those times have been when I expected the Chargers to win. I have no idea what to expect from San Diego anymore. I’m giving them one more chance against the worst team in the league. If they lose this, I’m never picking them again.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Edgar Allan Poe writing his new book, The Fall of the House of Bolo.
BENGALS @ STEELERS
This is a big game for the Bengals where they can stick the Steelers further behind them in the division, and yet again they get away with an afternoon game, so Andy Dalton’s mystique continues undisturbed for another week.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Andy Dalton getting hit in the face with a wrecking ball with Antonio Brown as Miley Cyrus on it.
TITANS @ TEXANS
You know that gross Taco Bell poop/puke joke I made above for Lions/Chiefs? This is like that exact same thing, only you piss yourself at the same time, in public, naked, with your secret crush watching. Still better than this game.
If the Titans win, I will draw two urinals. One labeled Titans, the other Houston. The Houston one will have a turd in it.
JETS @ RAIDERS
I have faith in the Jets right now, and it’s a very uncomfortable, weird feeling. I need to shower.
If the Raiders win, I will draw the Raiders logo with Mark Davis hair.
SEAHAWKS @ COWBOYS
I’m doing it. I’m picking the Cowboys for this. Russell Wilson respects women, which means Greg Hardy is going to sack him 20 times.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw the football gods laughing at Dallas.
PACKERS @ BRONCOS
Finally, two of these remaining five undefeated teams play each other and someone has to lose. This is a tough call, because the Packers have a worse defense and a neutered offense thanks to no Jordy Nelson. The Broncos have a killer defense, but a spaghetti noodle for a QB. This could go either way.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Peyton Manning as a happy wacky arm inflatable tube man from a used car lot.
COLTS @ PANTHERS
How will Coach Pagano screw up this week? A field goal kicked the wrong way? Calling two timeouts in a row? Re-signing Trent Richardson? Forgetting to give Jim Irsay his supply of uppers? The possibilities are endless.
If the Colts win, I will draw Jim Irsay lowering Pagano’s doom clock to “temporarily still employed.”
Let’s see what happens!