That was an ugly, ugly week of football. Just a shame, really. Disgusting. Let’s start with the bad:
- Literally everything about Eagles-Giants.
- The Colts running possibly the worst play in NFL history.
- The refs having no concept of what a catch is, again.
- The Bears and Lions trying to destroy pro football as we know it.
- Marcus Mariota getting injured on a possibly dirty play.
- Denver’s continued win-streak against terrible teams all in spite of Peyton Manning’s horrible play.
- Lots of unnecessary Bengals nudity.
- The Seattle Seahawks appear to not realize they have to play four full quarters of football.
- The Falcons losing their first game to a woeful Saints.
- The Jaguars.
- Kirk Cousins.
- The Browns.
Just an ugly, depressing week of football. But luckily, we have cartoons! I incorrectly predicted four games, which has quickly become my standard. As always, here are the drawings I forced myself to create for each game I got wrong.
The plan was drawing Big Ben punting a Cardinal, but with his knee injury, I realized that didn’t make a lot of sense, so I made it Landry Jones instead because lol Cardinals, you let Landry Jones beat you.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Ben Roethlisberger punting a cardinal.
I guess I didn’t give adequate consideration to how bad the Titans are, and how teams under a new coach tend to win their first game.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw a dolphin surfing on Mariota.
I underestimated just how bad the Seahawks are, and the Panthers proved me wrong. So, I added a few heads.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Cam Newton playing the drums on Wilson, Sherman, and Pete Carroll’s heads.
And here’s the one everyone really wanted to see.
If the Saints win, I will draw Rob Ryan as Fabio.
So, with that done, let’s take a look towards the future and predict Week 7’s games. Wait, it’s Week 7 already? Why must football season go so fast?
SEAHAWKS @ 49ERS
This game is for last place in the division. Only one team here has beaten a team with a winning record, and that team is the 49ers, believe it or not (Vikings, Week 1). The Seahawks have to win this game. They own the 49ers lately, and Colin Kaepernick isn’t getting better. The Seahawks need it more.
If the 49ers win, I will draw the Legion of Gloom.
BILLS @ JAGUARS
If the Jaguars can’t beat the Bucs or the Texans, they aren’t going to beat the Bills when they aren’t actually at home, but in London.
If the Jags win, I will draw a British gentleman Jaguar driving a Jaguar.
BROWNS @ RAMS
The Rams are a mystery team, beating the Seahawks yet losing to the Redskins. Still, the Browns, masters of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.
If the Browns win, I will draw Josh McCown buying a plane ticket to LA for the Ram, stuck in a cage.
VIKINGS @ LIONS
The Vikings are probably the most boring team in the NFL. I’ve eaten white bread more interesting than the Vikings. But they are 3-2, thanks to a weak schedule and good fundamentals, and the Lions are crap.
If the Lions win, I will draw a Lion with Jim Caldwell’s face.
TEXANS @ DOLPHINS
The Phins looked like a completely new team under new head coach Dan “McMuscles” Campbell. They used Lamar Miller. They got sacks. Yes, the Titans were bad, but maybe McMuscles actually realizes he has a talented team and how to use them.
If the Texans win, I will draw Bill O’Brien’s butt-chin crapping out the entire state of Florida.
SAINTS @ COLTS
The Colts actually looked competent against the Patriots. Well, outside that one very, very bad play. The Saints already got their big divisional upset of the year last week, and they will lie down and die again this week.
If the Saints win, I will draw Rob Ryan as Fabio riding Andrew Luck like a horse.
STEELERS @ CHIEFS
I’ll keep it succinct: The Chiefs are bad.
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Kool-Aid Man Andy Reid bursting through a steel curtain.
JETS @ PATRIOTS
The Jets are actually looking good. This might be the hardest match of the year so far for New England, but at this point, it’s impossible to pick against them.
If the Jets win, I will draw an F-18 blowing up a giant sign that says “Undefeated.”
BUCCANEERS @ REDSKINS
The Skins have a legitimate defense. Even Kirk Cousins can beat this team.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Captain Jameis Winston stabbing Captain Kirk as Captain Crunch approves.
FALCONS @ TITANS
The Falcons finally cracked against the Saints, but have gotten extra days of rest, and the Titans just lost Mariota for a few games. If I had a “lock of the week,” it would be this.
If the Titans win, I will draw the Mett-siah.
RAIDERS @ CHARGERS
The Chargers are good, but have had some bad luck. They need to set the tone for their future partners in Los Angeles.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Philip Rivers throwing a huge baby tantrum.
COWBOYS @ GIANTS
Matt Cassel starts for the Cowboys. He has nothing to fear from the purely theoretical Giants “pass rush.”
If the Giants win, I will draw Derpy Eli Manning as Dr. Manhattan with a Dad Bod.
EAGLES @ PANTHERS
The Eagles victory over the Giants might be the only 20-point win in history where the fans have every right to still think their team sucks afterward. Now they face a real team.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Sam Bradford as Lex Luthor.
RAVENS @ CARDINALS
Quoth the Ravens: We will win nevermore.
If the Ravens win, I will draw a scene from The Birds with Carson Palmer as the human.