07.28.08 10 years ago 14 Comments

Gripped by the hysteria to prove that everything that athletes do is some sort of nefarious behavior that wrongly boosts their performance on the field, researchers are furrowing their brows over the fact that athletes are benefiting from the use of caffeine. They charge it gives them a heightened awareness on the field, or in layman's terms: wakes them up because it's fucking coffee. 

A third of track and field athletes and 60% of cyclists reported taking caffeine before competing, a Liverpool John Moores University study found.

The drug was removed from the list of banned substances in 2004 but its use is still monitored.

The study's authors said it raised concerns that athletes were exploiting caffeine to gain an advantage.

Study leader Dr Neil Chester said the World Anti-Doping Agency had not been clear about why caffeine had been removed from the list but he understood it was because it was too hard to distinguish between normal social use and abuse of the drug.

I'm sure scientists never partake of any stimulants to keep them sharp, especially coffee. Bunch of ascetics, those guys. Of course, there are no convoluted notions of purity that swirl around anything like they do with sports. Which is why I propose commissioning a study to look into the regenerative effects of water on athletes. It's a foreign substance that provides an appreciable effect on tired athletes. All it needs is an ominous sounding name. That's it! We must stomp out the hydroid menace.

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