Nick Diaz Probably Retired So He Could Go To Prison

Senior Writer
03.18.13 5 Comments

On Saturday night, Georges St-Pierre and Nick Diaz, for the lack of a much better term, gave us a very disappointing finale to their courtship of craziness over the past several months. In case you were too cool to hang out with us for the UFC 158 live discussion, GSP successfully defended his UFC Welterweight Championship by forcing Diaz to the ground for a very underwhelming five rounds. And after the fight was over, both GSP and Diaz pulled the curtain back to reveal that their whole feud was fake, as St-Pierre has no “dark place” and Diaz just acted that way because certain people wanted him to.

That’s not to say, though, that Diaz doesn’t bring the crazy 24/7. Take, for instance, his post-fight interview, as the pride of Stockton once again claimed that he was retiring from mixed martial arts competition, while also admitting that he has bigger problems to focus on. Like going to federal prison for not paying his taxes. Ever.

“I can’t be jumping teams. I just have to invest a little bit more, now that I have a little bit more money,” the 29-year-old from Stockton, Calif., said. “You know what? I’ve never paid taxes in my life. I’m probably going to go to jail.

“Nobody wants to hear about that, nobody wants to hear that kind of talk or what’s really going on with me,” he said. “I might as well as be a kid. I’ve had fight after fight after fight after fight. You don’t know what that does to somebody that didn’t graduate high school? You don’t understand.” (Via the Associated Press)

Okay, first thing’s first – get your high school diploma, dude. Take a couple months off from everything and get that done. Then, fire your team member who is in charge of making your most basic life decisions, because that’s just asinine.

While you’re doing that, though, don’t spend any of your reported $1 million-plus UFC winnings – maybe tuck some cash in between your mattresses just in case – and then hire an accountant to do your damn taxes. If the IRS wasn’t paying attention before, they probably are now and they’re probably drooling like St. Bernards. So get that taken care of.

While we’re at it, here’s some additional financial advice from someone who made a lot of stupid money decisions when he was younger:

  • Do not sign up for credit cards because you want free t-shirts.
  • Do not use credit cards like they are ATM cards and withdraw money.
  • Do not get credit cards, period.
  • Should you go to college, don’t get a student loan. Use your fight money that’s left after you pay the IRS. Student loans are the world’s greatest rip-offs.
  • Don’t even bother going to college.
  • Don’t ever take out a payday loan.
  • Use coupons when you go grocery shopping. People kill those trees and print those deals for a reason.
  • Don’t get a Hulu VIP membership if your cable service has DVR.
  • When you go to strip clubs, drink before you get there so you only have to buy a few beers to keep your buzz going.
  • Buy a used car from a good dealership.
  • Don’t pay to see your credit score, no matter what a horrible band sings to you.
  • Get all of your insurance – car, renter’s, life, etc. – through the same company so you can save money.
  • Buy the Publix or Target brand cereal instead of the name brands. It tastes the same.
  • Open a savings account and put a few bucks in it here or there.

I feel like that’s a good start. I’m also available if you need someone in your entourage who can constantly remind you how to be incredibly cheap and fret over every single dollar spent, Mr. Diaz.

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