North Korea Soccer Team Forgiven For Poor Play…Just Kidding

07.30.10 8 years ago 8 Comments


I’m not going to complain about how sorry my life is for like three days after reading this story. After the North Korean national team qualified for the 2010 World Cup for the first time since 1966, you’d think things were looking all peachy keen (Besides the fact that they have to reside in North Korea, of course) for them, right? WRONG. Their trip to South Africa resulted in a miserable flop of an appearance that resulted in three straight losses, including a nationally televised debacle of a game against Portugal when they surrendered 7 goals in a mortifying loss that ended with a walk to the locker room that probably felt like the Bataan death march.

Now a loss like this would ordinarily have sent a bout of white hot rage searing through the veins of almighty leader Kim Jong-il if he still had the ability to stay conscious for more than 5 minutes, but now that he spends most of his time trying to find his glasses the punishment responsibilities were handed down to his son Kim Jong un, who came down upon his mangy bunch of soccer playing failures with the full force of the hammer of Thor, which Kim Jong-il coincidently claims he owns.

The entire squad was forced onto a stage at the People’s Palace of Culture and subjected to criticism from Pak Myong-chol, the sports minister, as 400 government officials, students and journalists watched. The players were subjected to a “grand debate” on July 2 because they failed in their “ideological struggle” to succeed in South Africa, Radio Free Asia and South Korean media reported.

The team’s coach, Kim Jong-hun, was reportedly forced to become a builder and has been expelled from the Workers’ Party of Korea. The coach was punished for “betraying” Kim Jong-un – one of Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il’s sons and heir apparent.

Following ideological criticism, the players were then allegedly forced to blame the coach for their defeats. -Telegraph

Remember all of those people who joke that the North Korea soccer team was about to be sent down to the coal mines in a runaway mine cart to work in a spooky cave filled with flesh-eating mega-bats? Well you guys must feel like a bunch of jerks now, don’t you?

Of course there was an “ideological struggle”, the players didn’t even hire anybody to shank the star players of their opponents five minutes before game time! They need to stick to what they do best, which is veiled threats during the pre-game handshakes that go something like this: “If you do not let us win we will drop nuclear bombs on you. Good luck.” They’ve lost their edge. Hell, the least they could have done is sneak into the hotel complex’s of other teams to apply superglue to their cell phones and rub poison ivy all over their bathrobes.

I wonder what else the government scheduled for the six hour public shaming besides, “Hey, uh, you guys kicked the soccer ball poorly.” Maybe dig up the players’ old middle school diaries for a public reading of the most salacious portions? Pin the tail on the head coach? How about chasing them around with an electric fly swatter for a few hours? Personally, I would have gone with a karaoke session that results in a date with a guillotine for the worst performance. Make sure to wear clothing you’re okay with getting blood splattered on, crowd!

H/T SBNation

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