Not Cool, Dwyane Wade. Not Cool At All.

Hi, professional athletes. I’m just going to assume that you all are reading this, because why wouldn’t you? Recently, I wrote an award-winning piece about the 20 sports moments that I believed had truly transcended all others this year, and everyone from the Pulitzer committee to several bisexual Penthouse Pets agreed that it was the best thing they’d ever read. They especially appreciated the very first moment (No. 20) that I mentioned, which was Nicolas Batum punching an opponent in the balls as hard as he could.

Batum, of course, famously tried to justify his testicular attack by accusing Team Spain of flopping and intentionally losing a game to Brazil so they didn’t have to play Team USA. Even if that’s true – and it probably is – that is no excuse to hit another man in the testicles. That brings us to last night, when Miami Heat star Dwyane Wade kicked Ramon Sessions in the balls on purpose and received no punishment for it.

Now let’s go to the video.

I’m sure that fans of the Heat and Wade will call this an accident, but it looks pretty damn intentional to me. Sessions, like most people on every topic, agrees with me.

Athletes, I implore you – PLEASE STOP HITTING EACH OTHER IN THE TESTICLES. I mean, don’t stop, because I laugh every time you do, but do stop because it’s not cool. Wade’s a huge star, so he shouldn’t be pulling this bullsh*t anymore. But he is, and now I have to step in and be the voice of reason once again. I’m tired of it, Dwyane. TIRED. I want to enjoy my holiday season, dammit.

So here’s the deal – the next athlete who punches or kicks an opponent in the balls will hereby adopt the name Pussyboy Queeftaint for the entirety of 2013. Trust me, I don’t like being this harsh, but it apparently needs to be done. Also, via our BFFs at Guyism, here’s an awesome GIF.