Oregon’s New Nike Uniforms Are Still Cooler Than Your Team’s Stupid Uniforms

Senior Writer
12.20.13 10 Comments

Oregon Mach Speed Main

On Monday, Dec. 30, 10th-ranked Oregon will take on the unranked and eventually-coachless Texas Longhorns in the Alamo Bowl, and I assume that the betting men and women amongst are going to put a few bitcoins down on the 13.5 line. But even if the Ducks are upset, they’ll still have fashion in their favor, because they’ll be debuting their new 2014 Nike Mach Speed uniforms, which I believe contain the power of a billion alien stallions.

Nike’s breakdown of the new unis mentions things like “Chain Maille 2.0 mesh fabric” and “Laser perforated mesh” and “heavy duty stretch-woven panels,” but I don’t know what any of that means, so I’m going to assume that it’s all made from magic and that cube that they found in The Avengers.

Unfortunately, there’s no word on whether or not Oregon will let its cheerleaders wear my new Saran Wrap uniforms that provide for “structurally-enhanced technological detonation of science-thingamajiggies and space-aged doodads and go go gadget whatevers.” Fingers crossed, though.

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