It's Official: Manatees Are Reporting Our Sports Scoops

In a story that belongs right alongside “Fabio Hit In Face By Bird While Riding Rollercoaster Test-Run In Virginia”, the sports news stars have aligned for maximum celebrity ridiculousness for “Laverne From ‘Laverne & Shirley’ Scammed Out Of 5,000 Dollars By A Guy Pretending To Be Lamar Odom’s Assistant”. Yes, this actually happened. No, the assistant wasn’t just Squiggy in a wig.

From TMZ, who probably did a full Kevin McAllister fist-pump when this broke:

Sources tell TMZ the double-cross started at a Lakers game last month … when a man claiming to be LO’s assistant gave Penny a phone number he said was Lamar’s. We’re told Penny and the person she thought was Lamar texted back and forth for several days — when finally “Lamar” asked her to loan his assistant a chunk o’ cash. Ever the faithful Lakers fan, Penny forked over more than five grand to the faux “assistant.”

The “assistant” and “Lamar” both stopped responding to Penny soon after. Concerned, according to TMZ, Marshall went to the LAPD, who have since opened up a grand theft investigation.

This story is so great and unbelievable (Penny Marshall hasn’t been in Hollywood long enough to know you don’t randomly wire $5,000 to a stranger?) that I’m gonna say it’s total horsesh*t, and that TMZ put together a story with the perfect storm of people who don’t have the Internet (Penny Marshall) and people so desperate to be on the Internet they’ll roll with anything (Lamar Odom, et al.) that it could be 100% untrue and nobody’d be around to call them on it. They should follow it up with a story about how Courtney Stodden repelled into Laverne’s mansion and stole the cursive L’s from her sweaters. ONTD would be reporting that sh*t as fact in 15 minutes.

My other option is to believe this is true, and Lamar Odom desperately needs money so he texted all the famous Los Angeles sports fans he knew to beg them for money … but he didn’t want to seem pathetic asking himself, so he pretended to be his own assistant. So Penny Marshall finally agrees to send him cash, but wakes up one morning going HEYYYY LAMAR ODOM DOESN’T HAVE AN ASSISTANT ARGLE BARGLE and cancels the check. And poor Lamar is just left there swaying to and fro forlornly in his Sex Swing.

Yeah, that’s the ticket.