Portlandia On The East Coast: The 9th Annual Valentine’s Day Canine Kissing Contest

Senior Writer

When I read that the 9th Annual Valentine’s Day Canine Kissing Contest and Cocktail Party took place last week in Portland, I immediately pictured Fred Armisen dressed as a hideous female as a pink dog with giant ear spacers slobbered his face. However, it turns out that today’s real life Portlandia tale actually comes from Portland, Maine, so I’ve been watching the IFC channel all morning for absolutely nothing.

Regardless, the contest in question featured a number of dog owners (do we really own dogs, though?) and their favorite pooches in a battle to see which human would let his or her furry counterpart lick his or her face the longest. Sadly, none of them tried my old college tactic of drinking too much Rumplemintz and passing out on the dog bed. WARNING: You may also be pissed on.

So who were the big winners at this year’s contest anyway?

This year, the prize — a $75 gift certificate to Planet Dog — went to Beau, a 12-year-old Yorkie and dachshund mix, and his owner, Linda Walton. The victorious snog went on for 45.8 seconds. The pair won last year, too, according to the Bangor Daily News, clocking in at just under a minute.

Walton opted to share her winnings with the second and third-place winners. (Via HuffPo)

Two things:

  1. $75??? That’s it? Look, I love my dog, but if she’s gonna lick my face for 45 seconds, I better get at least a Total Wine gift card valued at $200.
  2. She shared it? This is the problem with America these days. Just way too many idealists out there, thinking we should share what we’ve rightfully earned with everyone else. EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF, LINDA!

Naturally, some people think that letting a dog lick your face is gross, so while I initially set out to gather some of the funnier poorly-written reactions from people – like “Lol they’re not kissing you, they just cleaned their behind and they want to get the s–t taste off their tongue lol” – I decided instead to go with the most clichéd response that is conveniently prefaced with “Not to sound racist…”


You might as well give your dog a rimjob. They literally eat poop and stick their noses in each others butts.

I know a lot of people who let their dog kiss them straight in the mouth like that. They are all white. I don’t know any brown people who engage in this activity. This isn’t to say all white people are game to let animals slip them the tongue because that would be absurd. I’m just saying an inordinate number of white people are just fine with dog slob on their face.

Of course that author covers his bases by throwing around other stereotypes, so it’s all good. But seriously, white people, we’re the worst. Still, I ain’t turning this down.

(Banner via)

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