Power rankings happen every Friday. Right before Pauly’s mom starts her “weekend shift.”
1. Keeley Hazell. She‘s getting a wash, wax and buff. No, buff with a B.
2. Donte’ Stallworth’s attorneys. He’s out of jail. Already.
3. Getting rid of Africa. Okay, so that’s not what Nate Silver said. But that’s what it sounded like to this guy.
4. Rob Dibble’s ass tattoo in honor of Ichiro. It’s a cautionary tale and a terrific read.
5. Meth and NASCAR. Jeremy Mayfield had an injunction placed on his suspension in federal court, only to have NASCAR appeal that ruling. And Mayfield was totally cool with that. Just kidding, he went ballistic.
6. Tim Wakefield. The first-time All-Star-to-be won his 11th game this season. I look forward to watching him throw crap at the NL’s best next Tuesday.
7. Sheep racing. For lonely men who have no wives to carry…
8. The fourth out in baseball. This happened three months ago and I still don’t understand it.
9. Bacon. Now it comes covered in chocolate! I think I just threw up…to make extra room for some chocolate-covered bacon.
10. Anything involving Erin Andrews. Yes, we saw that she took a baseball to the chin. Hilarious. And timely, what with it being baseball season and all. Look, just because it happens to EA doesn’t make it news. Alright? Glad we got that straightened out.