07.11.08 10 years ago 17 Comments

I hate bullshit power rankings, so I make up my own.

1. Keeley Hazel. Posing topless is a well-known fillip for rankings placement. Not as good as fellatio, but we make exceptions. 

2. The Steelers. They saved John McCain. Or maybe they didn't. Either way: Best. Team. Evaaaaahhhhh.

3. Matty Ice. Because nothing goes over in Atlanta like Rodgers & Hammerstein. I kid, of course. Big Gilbert & Sullivan town, that one.

4. Jelena Jankovic. Whipping it out like it, she could write for Jezebel.

5. Bulls. Good for Picasso, good for goring other dipshit Spaniards

6. Asshole Neighbors. We can't get rid of the real Fenway, but at least they're stopping any imitations from cropping up.

7. Spell check. Because it's a vital tool sometimes. Like when naming an NBA franchise

8. The Olympics. It's going to be an embarrassment of riches for disaster lovers. And don't give me that pageantry of sport claptrap. They'll be plenty of amazing athletic feats as people attempt to flee the orgy of death. 

9. Bruno. For exposing Arkansas to the gays. It's about time they gotsomething besides plain ol' vanilla incest.

10. Tony Gonzalez and Brian Bosworth. For canceling out the bad karma incurred from two horrible acts done by NFL players. Just a couple trillion or so to go.

Video of the week.  Who kidnapped your girlfriend? The "No Nose" Knows.

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