06.13.08 10 years ago 10 Comments

I hate bullshit power rankings, so I make my own.

1. Paloma Fiuza. Always glad to welcome new faces to the top spot, especially if they happen to be in the pool, which is where I wanna be. Or just wherever she is.

2. Erin Pageviews. Way to take three posts the last two days, fawned over ESPN reportress. Rick Sutcliffe spend his remaining days worshipping from afar.

3. Friday the 13th. Study finds it's not really unlucky. Yeah, so why did another Shyamalan movie come out today?

4. The Civil War. For being over, despite LSU fans' best wishes.

5. Massholes. The Celtics are on the brink of a title and we hate them for it. Need to prop up these dipshits before we can knock them down. And by that, I mean grind them into pack animal food.

6. Italian Spiderman. Fare me un macchiato. Pronto!

7. The Dutch. Italian Spiderman might be the shit and a half, but we're forever indebted to the Netherlands for dealing Gli Azzurri an embarrassing 3-0 defeat in EURO 2008. Lose the clogs and you'll crack the top 5.

8. EURO 2008 Girls. When can hot American girls start dressing that elaborately for sporting events? Curse you, Europe, for your spirited women and your free health care. Keep soccer, however.

9. One-armed surfers. Because amputee sex was never so aquatic.

10. Back penis. You scratch my back penis, I'll scratch yours.

You video of the week is of a reporter losing his cool and his practiced intonation all at once.

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