POWER RANKINGS: JAILBAIT

08.24.07 11 years ago 11 Comments

Is there anything worse in the sports media than completely senseless weekly power rankings?  Well, yes: the idea of Joe Theismann munching box.  And also people who actually have some kind of emotional investment in power rankings. 

1. Scarlett Johansson.  That's her with a very young Jessica Biel.  I heard that if you masturbate to that picture, you go to jail.

2. Jonathan Brady.  Dreamboat ditches Dreamgoat and Dreamgirl for birth of Dreambaby.

3. Marques Slocum.  You, sir, are an American hero.  Who doesn't need both of their body parts?

3. (tie) Frank Lampard.  You deserve it all, Mr. Lampard.  I'll see to it that the robot butler is programmed to not look you in the eyes.

5. Hayden Panettiere.  Now that she's 18, my ogling is finally guilt-free.

6. Mirrors.  They really cheer me up when I'm feeling down.

7. Cats.  The enemy of my enemy is my friend. 

8. Red River Rivalry.  Nothing like a good scrotum tear to let you know that fans are serious. 

9. twoeightnine.  Bang-up week from our resident Photoshopper, as evidenced by the Marques Slocum and dinosaur masterpieces.  The next garbage plate is on me.

10. Girls in glasses.  Ladies: it's so much easier than actually being smart.

This week's bit of randomassery: My wife! My family! My wife! My family!

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