08.30.10 7 years ago 31 Comments

This post originally ran on February 1, but it seems to be back in style, so here it is again for your enjoyment.

After Eastern Washington announced its intentions to install red turf into its football stadium for the upcoming season, I shuttered (shuddered?) to think of what might be next on the horizon for That Next Program Looking For Attention For Doing Nothing Particularly Special. But seriously, what attention whore of a football team could possibly top RED TURF? Here are a few of my best guesses:

White turf, Penn State. The Big Ten school is famous for its “white out” home games (even though the team still wears blue during those contests; what’s up with that?) so why not go full hog and make the field the same color as the fans? Additionally, if the team does decide to wear white for those games, it would be like wearing camouflage! Okay, so maybe that’s an argument against, but still.

Corn stalks in the red zone, Nebraska. “Hey, was that a play action pass?” Beats me! Traditionally slower teams (read: whiter teams) like Nebraska have a reputation for letting the grass on the field grow longer before big games with faster opponents. How about six feet longer? Let’s see you try that quarterback keeper through 90 feet of maize, Mr. Double Threat.

Burning Couch Turf, West Virginia. Nobody burns perfectly good furniture down to the frame like the students of Morgantown! Burning sofas adorn every corner of the field, serving as a natural defense against those pesky bubble screens. But don’t worry about the fire; the Mountaineers will have trained first responders on scene to manage the blaze! As for carbon monoxide poisoning, you’re on your own.

Tribute To Southern Airways Flight 932 turf, Marshall. Remember how inspiring that Matthew McConaughey movie was based on the 1970 Marshall team? Okay, I didn’t see it, either, but why not relive the magic of that sterilized dramatization with every home game? This might work better if the plane sits in the end zone, and the players run out of it before each game. Go Herd, but don’t touch the metal!

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