Ride a Segway, Carry a Big Stick

Pro Wrestling Editor
06.02.11 4 Comments

Between Cleveland and Texas, I spent about half a year living in Washington D.C., and I can say without hyperbole that the best part of living there was the GEICO Racing Presidents race at Nationals Park.

The video I just posted is of beleaguered President Theodore Roosevelt shocking the world by winning, only to be disqualified at the last minute by a baseball playing Eagle and his wallflower friend the GEICO Gecko for using a Segway. Roosevelt has never won a race since the competition began in 2006, and although precedent exists (he was once disqualified for using a bike) the manipulation and abuse of Teddy remains infuriating. Why would they do this to a GEICO President? Is it because he was in the Progressive party?

The race was awarded to Thomas Jefferson, just as it was that time Teddy got bowled over at the last second by the Kool-Aid Man. Jefferson celebrated the victory by having sex with his slaves.

This national nightmare needs to end. Teddy needs to be allowed a victory by any means necessary, especially if Ketchup can win so many Hot Dog Races in Cleveland by nefarious means. Teddy: Avoid transportation, dodge any oncoming spokespeople, and run your rough riding ass off.

[via Let Teddy Win]

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