03.01.07 11 years ago 10 Comments

"Ask Ron Artest" is a new advice column from Dime Magazine. Finally.

Ron, I’m thinking about popping the question to my girl. How should I do it? – Calvin
First you gotta have sex one last time, you know, and tell her you love her. You should probably take her out to a simple dinner, nothing too crazy. Keep it simple, because a lady is looking for the little things. If she wants to be with you forever, she’ll like that.

Ron-Ron, what’s your favorite quote? – Kevin 

Ooh! Ooh! I'll be it's something by Thomas Paine, like "The world is my country, all mankind are my brethren, and to do good is my religion." Or maybe "Moderation in temper is always a virtue, but moderation in principle is always a vice."

My favorite quote is “I’ma smack the [expletive] out of you.”

Oh. Who said that? Dorothy Parker?

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