Ronda Rousey, as an incredibly famous woman, deals with an interminable deluge of crazy people who want to tear her down and say insane things about her simply because she is a famous woman. It’s seemingly a naturally-occurring phenomenon of the Internet, like cat videos only a million times more sinister. Another well-held tenet of the Internet is that when it crosses into real life, it becomes far scarier.
So, when a madman of the Internet crossed into our plane of existence to file for a restraining order against Rousey, the results were always going to be disturbing. Bloody Elbow obtained a copy of the hand-written(!) filing, which you should go read, but we’ll break it down for you here.
First of all, the filing is for a restraining order, because plaintiff G.B. White believes he is “facing imminent danger and bodily harm from Ronda Rousey [because] I’m whistle blowing a major scandal here in court and fear Ronda Rousey will use her kickboxing skills and Judo kick my head into submission to shut my mouth…” Okay!
And what is our unhinged friend G.B. blowing the whistle over? Oh, his claims are wide-ranging and completely bananas. Let’s go to the bullet points (listed aspirationally as “FACTS” on the loose leaf).
- “Ronda Rousey is really a man and pretending to be a female in the UFC to boost ratings”(uh huh)
- “I have evidence to submit to the court of Ronda Rousey in speedos showing her penis at a nudist colony at Dewey Beach, Delaware” (Gotta give him props for the specificity of this one)
- “Ronda Rousey used her prize winnings from fighting to get a penis enlargement at a Jacksonville clinic” (Enlargement? I thought she was trying to pass as a woman. Why would she — you know what? Moving on)
- “She bought steroids from Barry Bonds” (Sure)
- “Ronda Rousey had secret relations with Alex Rodriguez” (Okay)
- “Ronda Rousey made a sex tape with Jon Bones Jones which I am the only one with a copy which shows Ronda Rousey’s penis” (I love this. Did they give the copy to him? How’d he get it? This is my second favorite)
- “Ronda Rousey [he always uses her full name for some reason] threatened to knock my lights out and break my legs into a pretzel if I don’t return the sex tape to her” (What are these threats? Is she a movie mobster from the 1940’s?)
- “Ronda Rousey’s real father is Ron Jeremy[!!] and Ronda Rousey’s real name is Ron Rousey[!!!!!!] or Ronald Rousey which I’m in possession of the birth certificate” (My favorite. This guy should write movies with this imagination. Ron Rousey! I’m dying.)
Even though the whole letter was beautiful madness, the real kicker is his sign off. “Respectfully submitted.” Respectfully to whom?! Rousey? The court whose time he wasted? This man clearly needs to go back on his meds, and if we met him, we’d be concerned for his well being, but we’ve gotta admit, he’s the fun kind of crazy.
(Via Bloody Elbow)