08.28.07 11 years ago 30 Comments

By now you probably know that things aren't going well for the NY Rangers' Sean Avery.  Not only have you never heard of him because he's a hockey player, but after getting dumped by fiancée Elisha Cuthbert, he struck out with Paris Hilton and her terrifying lazy eye.

The N.Y. Ranger… tried his luck with Hilton at Amy Sacco's LG House party in Malibu. "He hit on her three times, but every time, Paris would give him disgusted looks and move away from his creepy shoulder-brushing and close-talking ways," said our snitch. The rebuffed Avery hit on other blonds. "You could tell he just wanted to hook up," said the spy.

I'm surprised this didn't get 108-point font headlines on the New York Times.  This marks the first time in history that Paris has (a) not fucked some dude and (b) not screwed over a girlfriend to fuck some dude.

I hope at the end of the night Avery went home and jerked off with a cheese grater.  Four out of five doctors say it's safer than sex with Paris Hilton.  And if you picture Don Zimmer or Popeye while you do it, it's just as sexy. 


Around The Web