So Long, Jerry Sandusky

Former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was convicted Saturday on 45 of 48 counts of sexual abuse, misconduct, and a variety of other terrible, despicable, and truly heinous charges, which means that, barring an appeal miracle, the 68-year old will rot in jail until the day that he dies. And from there he will be shuttled by a chariot of flaming skulls into the kingdom of Hell, where he will rot for eternity whilst a billion tortured souls take turns slapping him in the genitals with a cactus made of rusted nails.

Sandusky’s attorneys, who admitted that they wanted to quit before the trial began because they had no time to prepare, plan to appeal based on the grounds that the tapes that NBC submitted of Sandusky’s interview with Bob Costas were misleading. Whatever. Appeal away. Because more victims will come forward, and Sandusky will just be missing out on some lovely song time at the prison.

Other prisoners were barred from communicating directly with Sandusky, but they could see him. And when the lights went out, inmates serenaded the disgraced coach with a famous line from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall.”

“At night, we were singing ‘Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone,’ ” Josh said, adding that everyone knew who Sandusky was because inmates had access to television and newspapers. The jail can hold 349 inmates. (Via The Daily)

But don’t get too excited about that old wives tale that prisoners will gut him like a fish when he enters general population. Apparently prison justice isn’t how we’ve all dreamed.

“At the end of 2001, about 83,000 state prison inmates, or about 6.8 percent, were male sex offenders who had committed a rape or sexual assault against a minor under age 18, according to Allen Beck, chief of corrections statistics for the federal Bureau of Justice Statistics.

Just 56 state and federal prisoners out of a population of about 1.3 million were actually killed by other inmates during the yearlong period between July 1999 and June 2000, and it was unknown how many were pedophiles, Beck said.” (ABC News via Sports Grid)

I have to imagine that as long as there’s an appeal on the table, Sandusky will be mostly isolated from the general population, which sucks because I smell America’s new favorite reality show in the works. Then again, seeing as I’m not a terrible human being, I don’t know anything about life in prison. So maybe Sandusky does have a nasty accident in his near future. Either way, when he meets his maker, he’ll be wearing prison issued gear.