Yesterday, while the city of Pittsburgh celebrated its Super Bowl win with a parade that last week it couldn’t afford, a man in Steelers garb attempted to rob a local bank. Wait, what? The banks didn’t close for the parade? And I thought that city loved its football team.
The robber, a white man between 6 feet 1 and 6 feet 3 wearing a Steelers jacket with a gold hood and blue jeans… walked up to a teller with a note that read, “I am not joking, give me all of your money; I have a gun.” The teller told police the suspect put his right hand inside his jacket as if he were hiding a gun but no weapon was observed…
He didn’t get far with proceeds… when a dye pack exploded, covering the stolen money and the robber with… red dye — the color of the defeated Arizona Cardinals. The man tossed the money out of his pockets and Pittsburgh detectives recovered all of the cash taken in the robbery.
Listen, I don’t want to use this as evidence that people from Pittsburgh are failures at life. I keep hearing about Pittsburgh’s growing art scene and the thriving medical research community there. So how come I don’t hear about genius doctors going crazy for the Steelers and doing stupid crap? Is it because they’re not idiots? It’s because they’re not idiots, isn’t it?