“Suck For Luck” Power Rankings: Week 6

Now that “Suck For Luck” is a full blown ordeal – there’s even a Twitter account devoted to it – it’s very amusing to see the general NFL fan’s reaction to the idea that teams might tank some games to secure the guy every analyst this side of Mel Kiper’s phallic eagle swoop is calling the next John Elway.

It’s public knowledge now that both Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay and Miami Dolphins majority owner Stephen Ross have expressed interest in acquiring Luck in the draft. So the rational school of thought for the average fan – I’d probably estimate an I.Q. of 75 – is that two teams of professional athletes, who are boisterous, arrogant and proud, will waste an entire season of their professional careers so they can put their fates in the hands of a guy from Stanford.

There are two things about this, as a Miami Dolphins fan, that crack me up:

1) Why on Earth would Tony Sparano and his coaching staff kowtow to Ross, who openly courted Jim Harbaugh to replace him? Why would Sparano fill the cupboard with elite talent only to have it handed to Bill Cowher in the spring?

2) And do you really think that Brandon Marshall would keep his mouth shut if someone told him to flop on some plays? He’d be demanding trades and stomping his feet to the point that Terrell Owens would be like, “Dude, chill.” Besides, he looked just fine flopping on his own last night.

Now the Colts on the other hand, they seem like they would do it and not give a crap. After all, if any of their older guys complain, they can easily be traded for draft picks. I’m sure that thought is cemented firmly in Irsay’s mind. That’s why, as I was perusing Twitter during last night’s Monday Night Football game, there was a hilarious double standard at work.

If the Colts lose a game, they get to blame Peyton Manning’s injury and nobody thinks twice. But if the Dolphins lose, they’re just sucking on purpose to get Luck. I have some news for you all – Miami really is that terrible. It’s just funny that people seem more willing to allow the Colts to put Luck behind Manning, like they’re being dumped by Marisa Miller while preparing for their date with Kate Upton.

1) Indianapolis Colts (0-6) – The most successful Colts player of the past few weeks has been Pierre Garcon, which made it all the more humorous that his fumble cost them a win against the Cincinnati Bengals. Well played, Colts.

2) Miami Dolphins (0-5) – If you honestly believe that the Dolphins are losing on purpose, I’m not going to try to change your minds. But I will guarantee that if they are trying to lose on purpose, they’re going to f*ck it up. This team will still win 3 games and draft an offensive lineman.

3) St. Louis Rams (0-5) – They traded for Brandon Lloyd, which is a big addition since apparently only Josh McDaniels can get him to perform, and the Rams also get Mark Clayton back from the PUP next week. But now Sam Bradford has a high ankle sprain. In a perfect world, the Rams lose every game and trade the top pick for the Dolphins’ entire draft, while the Colts draft another worthless RB.

4) Denver Broncos (1-4) – The fun thing about the Dolphins and Broncos playing each other this week is that one team is going to be humiliated. It doesn’t help the Dolphins’ cause that they are honoring Tim Tebow at halftime as part of the national champion Florida Gators team from however many years ago, because the team can’t sell tickets any other way. Amazing how they’re just giving away home field advantage.

5) Minnesota Vikings (1-5) – Christian Ponder, who most experts called the most NFL-ready QB of this past draft, made his Vikings debut on Sunday because Donovan McNabb is awful. Too bad the Vikings never bothered to get one of those, um, what are they called? You know, those guys with the hands who catch balls? Ah yes, receivers.

6) Jacksonville Jaguars (1-5) – Speaking of no receivers and a terrible situation for a rookie QB to step right into.

7) Arizona Cardinals (1-4) – The Cardinals probably just hit their must-win wall if they really want to win their division. And they won’t win and they certainly won’t catch the San Francisco 49ers, so they’re realistically making a more exciting race out of the teams that could end up with the first pick and make Miami pay dearly.

8) Carolina Panthers (1-5) – If Ron Rivera and the Panthers knew that they were going to run a completely new offense based on Cam Newton’s skill set, why the hell did they give DeAngelo Williams so much money? Was it a fallback plan or did they really not want John Fox to bring him to Denver? Either way, Williams must be ecstatic.

9) Kansas City Chiefs (2-3) – One of the MNF pundit geniuses (Jon Gruden or Ron Jaworski) was talking about how Luck may not even declare for the draft (everyone at Stanford thinks he is, and if he isn’t someone needs to tell him about Case Keenum) and he mentioned that the Chiefs could end up taking him first. Are they trading up for him? Because they’re not getting the first pick.

10) Seattle Seahawks (2-3) – If you had told me in August that the Seahawks would have more wins than the Dolphins in Week 6, I would have laughed at you and called you a doo-doo face. Who is the doo-doo face now, Burnsy?

11) Philadelphia Eagles (2-4) – Early nominee for most hilarious sequence of events of the season: Mike Vick gets knocked out of the game for a play, so Vince “Dream Team” Young comes in and throws a pick, seemingly setting the Washington Redskins up for a crucial score. Then Rex Grossman threw his 4th pick of the game. Legends are born in October.

12) Dallas Cowboys (2-3) – After the Brandon Lloyd trade went down the next big rumor was that Cleveland was talking to the Cowboys about shipping them Peyton Hillis, which was interesting because I was just thinking they could use another beat up, underperforming RB.

13) New York Jets (3-3) – Remember when Mike Vick got out of prison and came back to the NFL and he was all like, “GRRRRRR TOUCHDOWNS!” and the NFL was all like, “You’re a hero, here’s a trophy!” and the Eagles were all like, “Piss off, Kevin Kolb”? Plaxico Burress is the exact opposite.

14) Cleveland Browns (2-3) – Trade or not, it looks like the Browns are moving ahead with Montario Hardesty, which is cool for people who like the names of Canadian cities but think they need more consonants.

15) Chicago Bears (3-3) – Jay Cutler finally told Mike Martz what most of us have wanted to for years.

16) Atlanta Falcons (3-3) – The beginning of the season probably had most of Atlanta learning new knots and measuring rope, but all seems to be well and the Falcons are finally performing how we’ve expected them to perform, except for anyone whose name rhymes with Shmoddy Shmite.

17) Houston Texans (3-3) – All the Texans have to do is stay even with the Tennessee Titans and they should be able to win the division once Andre Johnson returns. Amazing how this season isn’t just a cake walk, but then this is a team that allowed defenses to completely mangle David Carr and then said he wasn’t good enough.

18) Tennessee Titans (3-2) – Did the Titans even kick the tires on Brandon Lloyd? Seems to me that if a team announces that it is willing to give away last year’s leading receiver, and you lost your top receiver for the season, you may want to purchase some extra Boost Mobile minutes and make that call.

19) Washington Redskins (3-2) – I always liked John Beck when the Dolphins drafted him, thinking that if they could sit him for a season or two he could be a quality NFL QB. Instead, they David Carr’d him. I have a little gut feeling that he might be ready to step it up. There’s also a good chance that gut feeling is an ulcer.

20) Cincinnati Bengals (4-2) – Bengals owner Mike Brown was hellbent that he was not going to reward Carson Palmer by trading him, and that he was going to make him stay retired. Well Palmer has been rewarded because he’s going to the Oakland Raiders, but not before they send the Bengals two first round draft picks. Things are unusually great in Cinnci right now.

21) Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2) – I haven’t watched much of the Steelers this season, which is odd because I watch every game on Sundays, but if you asked me to guess their record off the top of my head based on what I have seen I would say 2-4. That’s how underwhelming this team is.

22) Buffalo Bills (4-2) – Welcome back to Earth, Bills fans. Don’t worry, though, you’re still way better than the Jets.

23) New Orleans Saints (4-2) – Just when I was starting to think that this was a clear cut 13-3 or 12-4 season for the Saints, they go and lose to the Bucs. I will never understand football.

24) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-2) – Seriously, I just don’t understand how this team wins games with a bunch of players like Arrelious Benn and Preston Parker, who should be starring on a game show called, “NFL Players or Gossip Girls Characters?”

25) New York Giants (4-2) – I feel like the Giants are a lot better than anyone is giving them credit for, and that is a very scary thing. Wait a second, this just in…

26) Oakland Raiders (4-2) – Let me get this straight, the Raiders now have an actual, honest-to-dog quarterback to go along with their incredible running back tandem and some very talented young receivers? And they waited until after Al Davis died to do this? Dick move.

(As for the trade, I do think 2 first rounders for Palmer is WAY WAY WAY too much, seeing as he has spent his offseason tailgating at USC games, but if you’re a Raiders fan and your team is 4-2 and just lost its mediocre QB for the season, you have to push the immediate rage aside and try to get excited about this.)

27) San Diego Chargers (4-1) – My buddy and I spent a good hour last week discussing what it is about Philip Rivers that makes us hate him so much. We don’t even know. We just do.

28) Baltimore Ravens (4-1) – How does this defense manage to keep getting better and better when the average age is like 72?

29) New England Patriots (5-1) – Does anyone else feel like this whole Chad Ochocinco drama is just a smoke screen, and that once defenses completely lock down on Wes Welker, Tom Brady is going to start lighting No. 85 up? No? OK, good.

30) Detroit Lions (5-1) – It sounds strange, but the Lions needed to lose. The classic team of destiny mold only works for fan bases that don’t get too full of themselves. I’m not saying that’s how Lions fans were behaving, but I want them to win with class and dignity. I want this team to be great, like the 2009 Saints. We don’t need people acting like douchebags over it. Speaking of…

31) San Francisco 49ers (5-1) – And the early frontrunner for the dumbest moment of the season that people can’t stop talking about is the postgame handshake between Lions coach Jim Schwartz and 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh. Look, I love the fact that we’ve got some fiery young coaching blood in the NFL, and I’m all for building some new rivalries, but this was just two boys measuring their rods. I bet Todd Haley was watching in the clubhouse and just boiling over from jealousy.

32) Green Bay Packers (6-0) – I’m not one to normally criticize perfection, since this Packers passing attack is simply marvelous. But could we possibly get Jermichael Finley back into the mix? Thannnnnnks.