Sumo Fatties Using iPads As Phones

Senior Writer
08.25.10 4 Comments

With the recent announcement that Apple would be developing a 7-inch version of the iPad, I couldn’t help but wonder two things:1) Isn’t that just an iPhone? And B) What’s going to happen to all of the current 10-inch iPads currently selling like hot cakes? Well, it turns out the answers are simple: yes and fat people phones. The governing body of Japan’s sumo association will issue iPads to the wrestlers to use as phones because their fingers are too large to use standard cellular phones. Cellular phone? More like CELLULITE phone! *bowtie spins, kimono blows open*

Turns out the pleasingly plump grapplers have been missing important information about matches because some of their “stables” don’t have readily available Internet, fax or telephone access. This is Japan we’re talking about, right? Thankfully the iPad can also keep a steady flow of tentacle porn downloads, too.

You have dishonored my family and country, Globe and Mail:

The iPad tablet PC, which starts at 48,800 yen ($570) in Japan, was likely chosen because many stablemasters do not use computers and wrestlers are not good at punching in messages on their mobile phones with their big hands, Jiji news agency said.

Sumo is trying to overhaul its image after being rocked by a series of scandals including an illegal baseball gambling racket, assault and drug use.

The scandals in question were brought to light back in June, when it was revealed that at least 65 sumo wrestlers had been betting on baseball, which is frowned upon/illegal in Japan. The gambling syndicate is run by the Yakuza, which automatically makes it awesome, and it was introduced to the wrestlers by a popular hairdresser, which makes it not-as-awesome.

In related news, Roger Clemens has demanded a meeting with Japan’s Diet to proclaim his innocence.

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