Teacher Beats 5-Year-Old Son Over Poor Hopscotch Performance

07.14.10 8 years ago 6 Comments

Are we sure the dad didn’t beat his son for playing hopscotch? According to reports, a Kentucky teacher (who probably has insider information about the eventual inclusion of hopscotch as an Olympic event) allegedly whupped his son for hopscotching at nowhere close to optimum performance levels. Now if you think about it, the dad may actually be looking out for his son in this situation.  Where do YOU think all of the elementary school girls hang out, dodgeball and four square? Great hopscotching fundamentals is key to getting laid in elementary school. Trust me, I…didn’t hopscotch much.

A middle-school teacher faces a felony abuse charge after Boone County Sheriff’s Office investigators allege he beat his 5-year-old son with a belt on the Fourth of July “because the boy was not playing hopscotch to his satisfaction.” Christopher Robison, 46, of Union, is facing a Class C felony criminal abuse charge.

The incident occurred around 3 p.m. at Robison’s home and caused “severe bruising” to his son, according to Scheben.

“He is suspended pending an internal investigation,” Poe said. “We need to find out more information.” -NKY

THIS IS THE FOURTH OF JULY, DAMMIT! MAKE YOUR NATION PROUD! Would George Washington half-ass it at hopscotch!? You’re hitting all the lines! I was a 3rd-team all county linebacker as a senior and I create this dreck of a son!?!? Heaven knows how horrible you’re going to be at jumping rope!

BUT WAIT! You haven’t heard Robison’s side of the story. According to him this is all a ruse by his ex-wife to make him look like an abusive imbecile who’s obsessed with success at playground games.

A northern Kentucky teacher accused of whipping his son with a belt says he never bruised the boy and the allegations were made by his former wife.

Robison told the newspaper he took his son into the house and hit him on the buttocks twice after the boy talked back to him several times while playing the game outside. He said two bruises on the boy came from a fall at a swimming pool. -LEX18

The bruises were caused by a fall at a swimming pool?! LIKELY STORY! Everybody knows swimming pools are full of water! Foiled again by my Sherlock Holmes-like deductive ability.


Don't even think about hopscotching poorly around this man.

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