The Bachelorette is ABC’s hit show that answers life’s key questions like, “How important is it to someone to become C-level famous?” and “Just what won’t a guy do for just the possibility of sex with a woman?”
It is compelling television.
But what if instead of dude bros who fell asleep in a tanning bed after a five-hour gym sesh, it was men from the world of sports? There’s probably some tanning bed/gym overlap there, but wouldn’t you be more invested if it was an athlete or coach vying for sex instead of some dude named Chad that works part time as a surf instructor?
To that end, we have found 20 candidates for the next installment of The Bachelorette. We believe each potential suitor provides unique qualities for a special woman that’s willing to marry someone she met on a reality show.
NAME: Odell Beckham, Jr.
AGE/OCCUPATION: 23, Professional Football Player (New York Giants)
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: His most recent relationship involves him having to do all the work to make his partner look better than he is, so you know he’s ready for a co-dependent relationship. And you know what they say about a guy with a gigantic hand that is big enough to catch footballs 15 feet over his head.
NAME: Jim Boeheim
AGE/OCCUPATION: 71, College Basketball Coach (Syracuse)
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: If he cheats, he’s only doing it for you, baby. He’s not big on playing things 1-on-1 exclusively, so big Jim is looking for someone that’s into the “box and one,” as he calls it.
NAME: Tom Brady
AGE/OCCUPATION: 38, Professional Football Player (New England Patriots)
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: Aside from his good looks and jewelry collection, he’s got great charisma and is a passionate winner. He has been known to be a cheater, but if he’s unfaithful you’ll have the peace of mind knowing it was probably with one of the world’s most famous models. Charming enough to remain on good terms with.
NAME: Daniel Bryan
AGE/OCCUPATION: 35, Former Professional Wrestler
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: Sometimes all you need is a “yes man.”
NAME: Brent Burns
AGE/OCCUPATION: 31, Professional Hockey Player (San Jose Sharks)
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: Tired of dating baby-faced kids with too much product in their carefully styled hair? Brent brings the look of a mountain man… or a man that has been trapped on a mountain for three years.
NAME: Pete Carroll
AGE/OCCUPATION: 64, Professional Football Coach (Seattle Seahawks)
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: His love burns so hot for you that it could melt steel beams.
NAME: Bartolo Colon
AGE/OCCUPATION: 43, Professional Baseball Player (New York Mets)
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: Ladies, do you really want some young punk that doesn’t know what he’s doing? Or do you want a man who is ready to start a family? Bartolo knows plenty about starting families. With him, you will avoid those new family pitfalls like choosing schools, buying a house and having your other families find out about your new family.
NAME: Antonio Cromartie
AGE/OCCUPATION: 32, Professional Football Player (Free Agent)
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: Are you expecting father jokes here? Sorry, not going to happen. When it comes to relationships and having them last long-term, Antonio has proven time and time again that he isn’t willing to pull out early.
NAME: John Daly
AGE/OCCUPATION: 50, Professional Golfer
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: He’s known for his long balls and chicks dig the long balls.
NAME: R.A. Dickey
AGE/OCCUPATION: 41, Professional Baseball Player (Toronto Blue Jays)
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: A grizzled older man who loves reaching into his bag of tricks to last as long as he can. Pretty good with his knuckles.
NAME: Tim Duncan
AGE/OCCUPATION: 40, Professional Basketball Player (San Antonio Spurs)
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: A quiet, loyal guy who is low maintenance and rarely disappoints. He won’t bring a lot of excitement, but he’ll also never put the family finances in jeopardy, as he buys all of his clothes off the clearance rack at Walmart.
NAME: Ted Ginn
AGE/OCCUPATION: 31, Professional Football Player (Carolina Panthers)
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: You’ll never have to worry about STDs because he literally can’t catch anything.
NAME: Richie Incognito
AGE/OCCUPATION: 32, Professional Football Player (Buffalo Bills)
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: Richie is the kind of guy you want to bring home to your family … assuming you hate your family and you want him to berate them via poorly spelled texts.
NAME: Phil Kessel
AGE/OCCUPATION: 28, Professional Hockey Player (Pittsburgh Penguins)….We promise.
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: His time in Toronto proved he’s willing to put up with way more sh*t and take too much blame than he deserves without totally blowing a gasket. Plus, he’s an American sex symbol.
NAME: Conor McGregor
AGE/OCCUPATION: 27, Professional Mixed Martial Artist
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: For a busy woman on the go, Conor is perfect because he is best known for stripping down and finishing in less than a minute.
NAME: Shaquille O’Neal
AGE/OCCUPATION: 44, Former Professional Basketball Player
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: Probably has a huge dong.
NAME: Mark Sanchez
AGE/OCCUPATION: 29, Professional Football Player (Denver Broncos)
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: He’s into butt stuff.
NAME: Pablo Sandoval
AGE/OCCUPATION: 28, Professional Baseball Player (Boston Red Sox)
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: Pablo is ready to devote every waking minute of the day to you, because he is currently out for the season. Need someone with time and money to burn? He has $17 million coming to him this year. And if you desire someone who is always going to be…ready…get yourself a man who can unbuckle his pants without his hands.
NAME: Joe Thornton
AGE/OCCUPATION: 36, Professional Hockey Player (San Jose Sharks)
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: His time with the Sharks has proved that he’s loyal and willing to stick around through the thick and thin. They stripped him of his ‘C’ after several disappointing playoff runs and he still saw them through. He’s definitely not timid about his penis.
NAME: Russell Wilson
AGE/OCCUPATION: 27, Professional Football Player (Seattle Seahawks)
WHY HE’S A GOOD PICK: Though he may be an underdog, he’s scrappy and knows all the right things to say, even if he has to Google them. Definitely won’t run on you at the last second. Also, he’s pretty experienced when it comes to dry-humping.
