Hello! My apologies for last week. If you follow me on anything other than With Leather, you’ll know that at the last minute I decided to get on a Megabus to Philadelphia for the Chikara iPPV on Sunday. In total (if you include getting to and from Toronto) I traveled roughly 30 hours. It was…a thing I most definitely did. But I’m back, still a little discombobulated, but nevertheless ready to dive into this report. A few pre-show notes:
– Sunday was wonderful and terrible and easily one of the most affecting experiences I’ve ever had. If you know anything about me, it’s that a) I love cats on treadmills, and b) I love Chikara even more. Over on the Mandible Claw, I wrote just how it makes me feel. Spoiler alert: I am currently the saddest little girl.
– I talked a bit about the show itself on Tom Holzerman’s “podcast,” if you will. You can listen to my gleeful exclamations over the Shard, our favourite matches of the night, and why you should continue to support independent wrestlers even if they no longer have a home company.
– Should you need a laugh, please check out this and this. The picture of Don West may be the single greatest thing posted to this site in the history of cats on treadmills, and is basically why Brandon and I are BFF forever.
– Didn’t know I was in Philly this weekend? Obviously you’re not following me on Twitter. You can do that here. You can also follow With Leather here, UPROXX here, but not the Shard because he doesn’t have one, and therefore I cannot skip the report to send tweets of cooing noises and hearts at him. ….that might actually be for the better, come to think of it.
This week on Impact: It’s not terrible, guys!
Best: Mike Tenay is so mad, y’all
Bully Ray opens the show, and does his typical “stare down everyone and not say much so I don’t (rightfully) get in trouble for using strong language intended for mature audiences” walk to the ring. Mike Tenay start running down the interference of Aces & Eights that allowed Bully Ray to pick up the victory at Slammiversary. This causes a shouting match between Tenay and Bully, because I guess they knew I was sad and had to start off on a happy note. TNA’s been pretty rotten lately. For those who don’t speak polite Canadian reviewer, that translates to hot, putrefied, irredeemable garbage. One thing that endures, and one of the few things I can say I love wholly and unabashedly, is Mike Tenay’s dumb lizard face. Just look how angry he is. Look at him purse those lips. Listen to his sass. So sassy! He gives no effs! He’s upset his friend The Icon Sting got beat up and can never be champion again. The day Mike Tenay realizes that wrestling is predetermined is the day I hang up my laptop and start reviewing, I dunno, old XWF episodes instead.
Thing that happened: Speaking of commenters…
Todd Kennely is no longer a part of the broadcast team because apparently the decision makers in TNA have never heard Tazz speak. We were lucky enough to obtain an exclusive clip of Kennely receiving the news:
We wish him the best in his future endeavours in a van down by the river.
Best: This little kid
You are adorable, but I’m also fairly certain you’re needed in a Neil Gaiman story somewhere.
Worst: Concussion on a pole match
After some cheap shots and cheaper pops, Hulk Hogan announces that Bully Ray will face Jeff Hardy in a ladder match, right here in Atlanta, GA. It’s not a title match, so, you know, let’s take that gravitas away, but rather for something that will be suspended above the ring. What could it be? A contract? Teri Runnels? Nope. The Aces & Eights TOTALLY NOT FAKE Hammer. It’s worth noting that Jeff Hardy somehow already has it concealed in his pants. I’ll let you make your own jokes about that one, because my brain short-circuited at the sheer amount of boner and hardware mule lulz, but…guys, he already has it. If it’s so easy to take away the thing they’ve used to injure numerous roster members, why didn’t you do it sooner? And why are you going to give them the chance to get it back? And why are you encouraging people to hit each other in the head with hammers if you don’t even pay for health insurance? Why? Why is this happening? And is this what it feels like to have a stroke?
Best: The BFG
In theory, I really love the Bound for Glory series. Shoehorning wrestlers on the roster into convoluted storylines doesn’t (ever) seem to work out for TNA, but this allows them to run main angles without wasting those secondary and tertiary wrestlers not involved. It gives meaning to matches beyond “I’m Hulk Hogan and I say so,” or “I’m mad at you for a dumb reason that makes no sense so I’m gonna yell and then fight you a while.” You get interesting matches that you wouldn’t normally see, and it’s a great way to pump up the future Bound For Glory PPV. The only downside is that when you press Gunner’s belly button, he doesn’t turn invisible.
Worst: “Deals so hot, they’re cool.”
Nope. This is what it feels like to have a stroke.
Best: Hernandez is really strong
Normally I really love when tag partners are forced to face each other. Long-time tag partners will usually have an undeniable chemistry, and knowing each other’s movesets and capabilities so well forces them to go outside of their comfort zone and pull out moves the other may not necessarily be used to them doing. One of my very favourite storylines in TNA was the Generation Me split. I loved those dudes, and I’m glad that over the past few years they’ve been able to work the indies and show everyone who doubted them in TNA or ROH that they’re great at what they do.
This match, however, is not like that. Great tag team wrestling is harder than people think, and Chavandez have always felt like two singles wrestlers taking turns wrestling personal singles matches against another tag team. To stay with Generation Me/Young Bucks for a second, the amount of trust and practiced timing to complete More Bang for Your Buck is crazy. They know how to work separately to get the job done, but at times perform as a single, cohesive unit that makes watching them impressive and exciting.
The motivations for Chavandez tagging were never really clear beyond “because Mexico,” so all of the feelings described in the previous paragraphs don’t exist in this match up. It’s just…a match that happened. But hey, Hernandez is really effing strong, so that’s something, right?
Worst: Rampage Jackson
Please let his gimmick be “son of Hercules.” Please let his gimmick be “son of Hercules.”
Please let his gimmick be “son of Hercules.”
Best: Joseph Park
This was the first moment of pure, unadulterated happiness since I hugged a dear friend in Philly goodbye prior to getting on the bus back to Canada on Sunday. I know I don’t have to tell any of you how happy Joseph Park makes me, but I really, really needed that. The wheels totally came off of the Aces & Eight storyline, but the ongoing saga of Joe Park and the search for his brother has never faltered. I know TNA likes to destroy everything they do right, and just…don’t ruin this, TNA. Please, please do not ruin this. I can only flip over the table on my balcony so many times before I am left with no table, no Joseph Park, and no more joy in my Thursday nights.
Best: Mike Knox shows that curtain who’s boss
After all of those years of curtain-jerking, this was Mike Knox’s time to shine.
Best: Robbie E
Thanks for you being you, bro. Even if it does look like you’re wearing Amasis’s face on your butt.
Worst: A wild Samoa Joe appears
Hey Joe, your florist called. The laurels you ordered have come in, and she confirmed that they’ll be able to hold your weight.
Best: Mickie James, Douchebag
If anything should be up on the TNA YouTube channel this week, it’s this. From Mickie James trying to comfort “Vel-Vel” with blatant Impact Lottery product placement, to waving her arms around and speaking slowly so she fully understands the meaning of slow-motion, I loved this. I loved it so much. Mickie James has been one-dimensional for about as long as I can remember, and douchebag Mickie is a breath of fresh air. Tune in next week when Mickie calls her a virgin who can’t drive. Way harsh, Mickie. Way harsh.
Worst: Rampage Jackson
Ugggghhh. Well, I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on the guy. I mean, he did allow With Leather to get an inside look at his pre-show workout regimen:
Worst: Don’t make me agree with Mr. Anderson
Bully Ray: “Why should I have to face Jeff Hardy tonight in a ladder match?”
Mr. Anderson: “You shouldn’t.”
Bully Ray: “Why should I have to climb a ladder to grab a hammer to bash Jeff Hardy in the head with?”
Mr. Anderson: “I don’t know, it’s stupid.”
Apparently Mr. Anderson wants both D-Lo’s vacated VP position, and also my job.
Worst: Whuuuu….
While I was watching the wrestling of my heart be destroyed by condor Security on Sunday, apparently this happened:
Sunday was the worst.
Worst: Gunner’s Finisher
lol, Gunner.
Worst: Tazz’s House of Style
Tazz insists on taking a minute to make fun of Gunner and The Trunks of the Superkick of the Tag Team Champion Cowboy James Storm because they’re red, and they match. Yes Tazz. Please. Tell us more about appropriate wrestling fashion choices.
Best: Gail Kim vs. Taryn Terrell
If you didn’t get to see Slammiversary, you’d be doing yourself a disservice if you didn’t at least track down the Knockouts match. It was a bit slow, and a spot-fest for sure, but this is the first time in a long time where two ladies have separated themselves from the expected flouncing about and sh-tty clotheslines one expects from a typical Divas match. I mean, Taryn Terrell isn’t exactly the next Ayako Hamada, but she’s come a long way since, say, the most hilarious OVW match ever. She’s willing to throw herself around and take those big bumps. Velvet Sky is terrified to put her arm out and clothesline someone. I mean, the story is still that we’re supposed to root against Gail Kim because she got mad that Taryn Terrell was legitimately bad at her job, and her ineptitude cost her matches. We’re supposed to root for Terrell because she’s a crazy HR nightmare who makes up for her poor referee skills by attacking Gail Kim without warning on multiple occasions because she’s a “hot mess.” But…okay, no, that’s really dumb, but the bulldog off of the ramp legitimately made me go “OH SUGAR.”
Real talks: I did not say sugar.
Best: Abyss is excited to hug Mike Knox too!
Haha, just kidding. He beats him and Devon up because he’s a big scary monster.
Worst: Yep, they went through with it
Best: Brooke Hogan, like an RKO
Bully Ray proves the trope that, when the tables are turned, the biggest bullies are ultimately cowards. Jeff Hardy gets the TOTALLY NOT FAKE hammer away from Bully, but before it can be used, he flees to the backstage area. Somehow Hogan has obtained said hammer (is it magic? Does it appear to those in need? Is there, gasp, more than one hammer in the city of Atlanta?), snuck up on Bully Ray, and just before he was about to presumably start wailing on Bully as hard as his old man back would allow, Brooke Hogan unleashed her best banshee impression. None of this gets a best. The best is that I can’t believe it came down to these three, and I personally can’t wait to find out who wins the Royal Rumble to face the champ at the WrestleMania:
Best: This show in general
As someone who watches a lot of wrestling, and very good wrestling at that, it’s hard sometimes to watch and review TNA. I am a constant show apologist, because I think a lot of great performances get lost in the shuffle of old man farts and yelling stuff, but the past few shows have not been fun to watch. I assumed this would be one of the hardest reports to write, because watching any major promotion after going to a Chikara show really is the hardest thing. Seeing how amazing wrestling can be makes it that much harder to say nice things about a bunch of people just striving for mediocrity. That said, this show has actually been a lot of fun to watch. It didn’t have the best wrestling, but it wasn’t the worst. It didn’t have the best appearances or backstage performances, but they were simple and effective and, at times, downright hilarious. More of this please, TNA. Enough with the yelling and fingerwagging and sh-tty wrestling and Matt Morgan. Take advantage of the skills of the people in your employ, and not in the super crummy way you usually do. I know you can be good. You know you can be good. Just goddamn do it.
*points to With Leather sign* I’ll see you all…NEXT WEEK.
