I need to get right into the report this week, because the greatest moment in the history of televised professional wrestling may have happened.
Extra Special Best: No More Tears, Big Jimmy
R-Truth became increasingly upset with a group of fans in the crowd wearing John Cena T-shirts. After winning his match against John Cena by count-out, Truth escaped up the ramp and made a detour through the crowd, running back around to harass them a little more. When Truth stole a child’s soda, his father (hereinafter known as “Big Jimmy”) stood up to get it back. Truth splashed the beverage in Big Jimmy’s face and ran off, leaving him humiliated and sort of shaken. John Cena, being the stand-up guy he is, walked over to make sure the fans were okay and WIPED SODA (and assumedly tears) OFF OF THE GUY’S FACE WITH HIS WRISTBANDS. He then took off his bicep sweatband and gave it to the adult man, completely ignoring the small child. The show went off the air with Cena just kind of lingering there, repeatedly patting and reassuring the man.
A few observations:
– I’ve seen Secrets of Pro Wrestling: Revealed so I understand the nature of a Stunt Granny (and to a lesser extent, the nature of the little boy and his torn up autograph book who gets taken out for pizza by the wrestlers after the show), but these guys were horrible. Big Jimmy sold humiliation by just sort of standing there being bored (which is, admittedly, a step up from Randy Orton’s changeling wife selling fear by rubbing one out on a tour bus) and Little Jimmy didn’t seem to care that JOHN F’ING CENA was standing behind him, even though he and his family appeared to like Cena so much they’d buy matching Confederate flag t-shirts. Maybe the kid was on a shit-ton of Ritalin, but if I was nine years old and Sting was milling around behind me I would dump in my f**king shorts.
– “Gay” is not a word that should be used as an insult, and by that same attitude neither should “dumb” or “lame,” as they associate physical abnormalities with judgmental derision, but watching Cena console an adult man in his t-shirt who could not protect his family was a massive combination of every body disease and minority sexual preference in our world. He WIPED AWAY HIS TEARS WITH HIS SWEATBANDS.
– I don’t think Big Jimmy was trying to be insulting when he asked Truth “what’s up,” I just think he’s a member of the WWE Universe, and those guys can only respond to wrestlers with their catchphrases. That’s why nobody cares about Dolph Ziggler, and why 20,000 people found the Road Dogg so goddamned interesting for half a decade.
Best, Just in General: R-Truth
The guy is such a confusing dynamo right now he could fill out his own Best and Worst section. He’s the best reason to watch Raw, and this is coming from a guy who couldn’t stand him a month ago. Everything’s fallen into place. He’s stalling like a solarized Larry Zbyszko. He’s got hecklers yelling funny things about how Zack Ryder has a shirt but he doesn’t. He’s no-selling the Five Knuckle Shuffle, because honestly, he’s falling with his weight in the wrong direction and just sort of scraping you with his fingers as he falls, it should hurt way less than a regular punch, plus he lets you lie there for a few seconds and rest before doing anything.
I could listen to Truth talk nonsense and call himself a Nutty Buddy all day. In fact, I can’t think of a single thing that would stop me from enjoying an R-Truth promo!
Worst: Technical Difficulties
One of my saddest moments as a wrestling fan was waiting two years for Brock Lesnar to break out his OVW shooting star press, only for him to FINALLY do it as the finish of the main event of a Wrestlemania, land on his head like an idiot and never do it again. Very few things about wrestling give me that same brick-in-the-stomach feeling that I should be doing something more constructive with my time, and technical difficulties ruining a part of the show I’d enjoy is one of them. When Truth was talking to Little Jimmy and the words didn’t match his lips, I almost stopped watching. I hate dubs. I don’t want to hear an adult woman doing a baby voice trying to be Setsuko, and I don’t want to watch Michael Cole throw his voice. Watching Michael Cole throw his voice would be like watching Jeff Dunham, and I would rather slit my own ass and die than watch Jeff Dunham.
Best: Zack Ryder, Internet Intercontinental Champion
WWWYKIBRO. Guys who write Raw reports who don’t know what the Internet Intercontinental Championship looks like need to spend more time on the Internet. Or on Superstars.
Worst: Swagger’s Idea of Charisma
I don’t want to keep going back to Tough Enough, but Jack Swagger wouldn’t win it. Austin would be all WHY AIN’T YOU SHOWN ME NOTHIN’ BOY and Swagger would lisp about his collegiate accomplishments and Austin would be all EH EHHH and take away his spinner replica. Swagger is good in the ring, I won’t take that away from him, and he’s shown flashes of charisma in ridiculous situations like the Swagger Soaring Eagle … but in the ring all he’s got is a blank stare and his arms held out. That’s it. That’s the only thing he can do to get the crowd into it. He hits a move, stands there staring at nothing and holds out his arms. I don’t know if he’s working with a donkey’s brain, or maybe I’m unaware of his Multiple Sclerosis, but he needs to get three new tauntsw, because you can’t put “Swagger Appeal” as up, down, left AND right.
Somebody get Swagger into an angle where the Divas realize he’s got a huge package, stat.
Best: Wait, Does Wrestling Matter?
TNA Wrestling changes their name to “Impact Wrestling” and gives themselves the motto “wrestling matters.” The next show features Abyss winning the X-Division title and Eric Bischoff pinning the Young Bucks. TNA jumps on Twitter to explain how “wrestling matters” means “wrestling shows are important to people,” not “wrestling is an important part of wrestling shows.” TNA continues to exist, and I ignore it as much as possible.
Then! WWE, the show everybody goes to as an example of how wrestling sucks now and is only a bunch of dick comedy and backstage segments, puts on a two hour program with Kingston vs. Ziggler, Punk vs. Mysterio, just over three minutes of Evan Bourne against Jack Swagger, and R-Truth stalling like it’s 1986 and we’re on ESPN2. He might as well have been fleeing from Crusher Blackwell. From fun, technical back-and-forth to aped puroresu kicks, it was an encapsulation of everything people like about wrestling these days. Only, you know, most people fast forwarded through it and jumped on the Internet to talk about how it was a C-minus.
The shows are good sometimes, guys, I swear. I’m sorry nobody from 1997 is around to make it enjoyable for you. Well, Mark Henry I guess.
Best/Worst: Every Minute of the Day, Somewhere in the World, Kofi Kingston is Wrestling Dolph Ziggler
I like watching them wrestle, but I’m also extremely tired of watching them wrestle. Ziggler/Kingston is like trying to make out with your girlfriend at two in the morning on a Tuesday. It’s fun and you like your girlfriend a lot, but part of you just wishes you could go to bed. Hi, I’m Dave Barry, and I review pro wrestling.
Ziggler countering Kingston’s SOS by holding on to the top rope and letting him flip over onto his own head was awesome, but part of me just wanted to remember an old Smackdown down a sixer of NyQuil. I want there to be a lot of other guys on the show who are good at wrestling so I never have to watch them wrestle again. They are the Tajiri and Super Crazy of Raw, and yes, Kingston is the Super Crazy in this analogy.
Worst: Hold on a Sec, Guys, is that Little Guido?
New pet peeve – every week some inattentive guy on a forum notices that Little Guido is a WWE referee. It never fails. He’s been on the show for WEEKS, and every Tuesday morning on DVDR or Wienerville or the Lethal Injection Forums some guy with a handle like “bruiserbrodysbeard” types “hey guys, call me crazy, but was that LITTLE GUIDO as a ref during the women’s match???” And I’m like, first of all you’ve never even WATCHED a Bruiser Brody match, so f**k your user handle, and second of all YES THAT IS LITTLE GUIDO, and Big Sal is the ring announcer, and the bald fat guy rapping by the fireworks control panel is PN News.
This is a formal announcement: Little Guido the wrestler is now a WWE referee. Remember this for next Monday.
Best: Kharma Just Jumped Ahead About Four Years
Pro wrestler Kia Stevens got to live a dream she wasn’t expecting: she got to stand in the middle of a WWE ring on international television to tell her story, speak like a human being, and use the word “wrestling” a lot. I’m going to assume by “wrestling promotions in dark, dank corners of the world” she’s talking about CHIKARA. South Philly is pretty dank.
Most WWE Superstars have to meander around for five or six years before they’re allowed to do the Austin/Rock “my character is me but turned up to eleven~” thing. Austin’s on Tough Enough sending guys home because they aren’t standing out and making their own chances, but he doesn’t realize that doing that now gets you fired, and quietly doing whatever the hell they tell you is the only way to get title shots for Sheamus. Getting pregnant unexpectedly might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to Kong professionally, because now people see her as both a monster AND an identifiable human being, and she didn’t have to spend half a decade waxing savage to get there. She should show up a year from now, murder the Bellas and pick right back up where she left off. Congratulations, Kong, I hope you have a happy, healthy baby who doesn’t look anything like Cheerleader Melissa’s gay friends.
Worst: Guys on the Internet Talking About Kharma
I feel like I’m typing “guys on the internet” too much, especially since I’m a guy on the internet, but this needs to be said. There are only three things WWE fans online can say about Kharma getting pregnant, and they are:
1. Congratulations, this is a happy event and we can’t wait until you come back. (note: this is being said by me and maybe four other people on the Internet)
2. Ewww, somebody slept with Kharma??? Ewww! She’s overweight and black, etc.
3. How can she be pregnant, she JUST GOT THERE, this is going to RUIN HER PUSH (note: Guys on the Internet are OBSESSED with the idea of who is and isn’t being “pushed,” I don’t know if I should blame Scott Keith or some combination of Torch newsletters for starting this, but if wrestling fans could pledge not to say or think or type the word “push” for a year we’d evolve a third eye and reach enlightenment. Also, the amount of time she’s spent in WWE has nothing to do with how and when she got pregnant, as she is a human woman who exists outside of her job. I’m not going to find out my cousin is pregnant and be all OH MY GOD HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN SHE JUST GOT THAT JOB AT FAMILY DOLLAR HOW WILL THIS CHANGE HER JOB AT THE FAMILY DOLLAR. Wrestlers don’t have to exclusively have sex with other wrestlers, CM Punk is the exception, not the rule. Also, real life reproduction – not the Terri Runnels kind where any slight movement causes a miscarriage – trumps how quickly we get to watch her beat up Kelly Kelly, so please put your priorities in order and stop this guy on this kind of Internet.) She should just get an abortion! (note: I’m not Tim Tebow by any stretch of the imagination, but if you wish someone would get an abortion so you could watch more wrestling you are an awful person and should be ashamed of yourself).
Worst: Wither Maryse
Raw featured a lot of “Kharma’s going to talk later” previews, and every one of them showed Kharma implant bustering Maryse. Then, when they showed Kharma’s emotional breakdown in the ring from last week, they got a reaction shot from Maryse. So the Raw featuring the most footage of Maryse ever was Maryse-free. To compensate, here is a giant picture of Maryse that has nothing to do with the next few bullet points.
Worst: That’s What They Are
The Bella Twins as unnecessary rabble rousing bullies (appearing on a TV show featuring commercials where the Bella Twins chastise bullies) did not need to happen during Kharma’s pregnancy announcement. I get the “it’s okay because they’re heels” thing, and I’m not offended by it, I just don’t think it was necessary. When Kong comes back in a year and Small Natural Tit-busters them, will it mean more because they insulted her 12 months ago? Or would it be exactly the same kind of good because she’s hurting the Bella Twins?
But No, a Little Bit of Best: Yo Mama
Bella Bella asking Kharma if her baby has ears yet to make sure it would hear her Snap was pretty great, I have to admit. Oddly enough, I’m also a fan of the Bellas’ porno line-delivery. “But hey, congrats on finding a guy to hook up with that.” I expected Justin Roberts to open up a pie-shop box and reveal his junk as a pizza ingredient.
Worst: Jerry Lawler is a Hypocrite Who Deserved to Have His Dead Mother Mocked
Watching Lawler turn into the chucklemonster with his new best friend Michael Cole over his recurring Barack Obama fever dream was bad enough, but listening to Lawler condemn the Bella Twins for making fun of Kharma after spending ten minutes rambling on about how fat and ugly Vickie Guerrero is was unbearable.
WWE is that kid who fails a test and swears he tried his hardest because that’s what you’re supposed to say to get away with it. Lawler and WWE (and John Cena, with little-to-no provocation) will tell you that they make fun of Vickie because she’s mean and deserves it. This is the same logic they used when ECW general manager Tiffany was telling CM Punk that he should “try being a human being” by drinking alcohol. Guess what? The “meanest” thing Vickie has done in the last six months is coloring Dolph Ziggler’s hair. She isn’t cheating, she isn’t abusing power, she isn’t even really saying “excuse me” that much. You’re making fun of her because YOU are a mean human being, and Tiffany told Punk to be a human being because she was a crazy alcoholic dolt.
Best: Alex Riley is Doing it Right
The Miz calls Alex Riley a worthless moron and pie-faces him, so Riley responds by kicking his ass. Michael Cole runs down Riley and calls him a turncoat, so Riley kicks his ass. Miz runs down and jumps Riley from behind, so Riley kicks his ass and sends him packing. Did WWE finally figure out the fans can’t live vicariously through a loser? If Riley keeps his hilarious nu-metal Trey Parker entrance theme and keeps punching people in the face when they call him names, he’ll be the biggest act in the company. He just needs a t-shirt and some hand signals.
Best: You’re a… [waits 20 minutes] BASTARD
Michael Cole was on a roll last night. You don’t need me to announce it, but Cole works best in small doses, and when he’s allowed to STAY in a small dose, he can be fantastic. This is the reason we started warming to him on NXT. He ran down Riley with passion and maintained a strong heel persona without wearing funny clothes and sitting in a glass box and insulting every single wrestler on the show. He had a legitimate beef with Riley, and the segment made sense. People reacted. See how this works? And then he not only dropped the amazing hyper-pause “bastard” insult but referenced VEGAS VACATION. Of all the Vacation movies to reference, he references Vegas Vacation. That gets him a best, I don’t care what his foot looks like.
Worst: Eve Torres, Watchin’ Mariko Yoshida Videos on the YouTube
What’s worse, Kelly Kelly trading in the cartwheel jumping back-strike for a bleached asshole stink face or Eve trying out joshi submissions? It reminds me of when Candice Michelle got the worker bug and tried those Susumu Yokosuka running cradles and kept landing on her head. Eve should stop wrestling completely and try being someone’s sort-of pretty rec league soccer-playing wife.
Best: Better Than You
Part of me wishes Punk was still on Smackdown so I didn’t have to keep coming up with explanations for why he’s the best possible WWE-style wrestler. I remember Vince McMahon explaining how John Cena was the perfect WWE Champion because he’s in great shape, loves the fans, has a passion for the business and doesn’t have a family at home to tie him down. That’s probably true, but Punk’s got him beat — he’s on literally zero drugs, he’s the closest thing we’ve ever had to a wrestler pleasing an arena crowd AND the Internet, and the only people he seems to care about are wrestlers. Well, wrestlers and G.I. Joes.
Punk is your creative ace, working on a canvas of sternly-spoken truths and yanked puro movesets, lifting up the Otungas and the Festusees to a higher level. He should be featured (and winning) on every show, and while the best actual wrestlers in the world struggle with your definition of WWE Style, Punk redefines it by being the exception. The guy was born to do this, and to do it exactly like he wants. He will become a monster to fight the monsters of the world. AND WE ALL FORM ONE DARK FLAME
Also Best: Woo, Rey Mysterio Lost!
Before I run into my living room and pop in Wrestlerave, how great it is to see Rey Mysterio lose? Even typing “Rey Mysterio lost” seems weird. He just kills everybody he’s in the ring with, and only seems to lose when there’s been outside interference from like eight guys (the Straight Edge Society) or when a Hispanic person puts his limb against something and hits it with a chair (Chavo Guerrero, Alberto Del Rio). Mysterio never gets hit with finishers and pinned. Ever. It’s infuriating. He’s 5’2 and weighs 52 pounds, Mason Ryan needs to channel Spirit Totem Batista and start throwing him into guardrails.
Best: Alberto Del Rio’s Face After Watching Big Show Get Hit By a Car