The 'Best' Athletes And Other Stars From The 2011 Teen Choice Awards


The 2011 Teen Choice Awards took place on Sunday and if you’re unfamiliar with the event, it’s basically a competition between PR reps, agents, and studios to whore not only their young talent (and their respective vehicles) out to the most important demographic, but also their aging and increasingly irrelevant stars of TV and movies. It’s also a spectacular example of why even 18 is too young for people to be voting. Go ahead and make the national voting age 17, and I guarantee we’ll welcome President Kevin James in 2012.

My typical cynicism would suggest that I’m not a fan of award shows, and that’s a valid estimation, as I believe shows like the Golden Globes, MTV anything awards, ESPYs, and even the Grammys are so void of credibility that even getting upset about them is a waste of time. So why then would I waste my time on a rant on something as decreasingly credible as the Teen Choice Awards? Because I’ve had about enough of these kids on my damn lawn.

Of the seemingly 6,000 categories at Sunday night’s show, two were devoted to sports. TWO! Snowboarder and Target fashion icon Shaun White was named Choice Male Athlete. He also presented Choice Comedian to Ellen Degeneres (above) and managed to slaughter millions of my brain cells in the process. But the Choice Female Athlete award, that’s the doozie. It went to Shawn Johnson, who was absent from the ceremony.

I don’t care if the TCA are chosen by actual, honest-to-Xenu teenagers in the most legitimate voting system on Earth or if they really are a sham created by the event’s producers to draw in Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher with bogus awards. That the entire U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team was not on stage accepting this award is bogus. *steps off soapbox, Tweets at Alex Morgan*

ATTENTION PROFESSIONAL SPORTS TEAMS*: Part of the idea of marketing is having your best players go to prominent events so they attract young fans that aren’t already fans of your team. Why the WWE has always understood the connection to young people and “real” sports don’t blows my mind. And this goes double for NBA players. Like you guys are doing anything better right now. Everything about being a celebrity – in Hollywood or a stadium – revolves around spin. I’m just saying, if I’m Dwight Howard or Kobe Bryant, I’m at the Teen Choice Awards.