The Dugout: Atlanta Braves Spring Training 2011

The Dugout’s Spring Training 2011 event continues this afternoon with the Atlanta Braves, and the very real, serious story of minor league manager Luis Salazar losing a body part because he never became one with The Matrix and couldn’t dodge a line drive off the bat of Brian McCann.  In case you are new to The Dugout, I would like to openly express how little I would like to lose a body part myself, regardless of the situation.  I think that losing a body part would, probably, be a bad thing.

That said, here is a webcomic that manages to be ill-informed and somewhat theologically offensive at the same time.  Today’s Dugout follows, after the jump.  Leave us a comment, would you?  Unless you don’t want to SEE … the Dugout on With Leather anymore.

The Dugout

  **Online Host**
Welcome to the Atlanta Braves Spring Training Chatroom!
KyleLohsetomy: /manages to throw a pitch without giving up 8 runs
HerSweetMcCann: /takes the only good pitch Kyle Lohse is ever going to throw
FrediGotFingered: /gets fatter, does nothing
AllSalazarFinal: I think that no matter what, he should swing at this next pitch.
BenjaminFrankWren: Good idea, but what about the percentages
AllSalazarFinal: last year Brian had an average of .000 in at-bats where he did not take a swing for a 100% chance of failure. However, inversely, if he moves the bat he has a 50% of swinging
BenjaminFrankWren: right, but 100% is better than 50%, isn’t it??
AllSalazarFinal: haven’t gotten that far yet, don’t have my calc’ on me.

BenjaminFrankWren: baseball would be great if it wasn’t for all these f**king stats


HerSweetMcCann: Sure thing, semi-skip!
KyleLohsetomy: uh hey sorry but I can hear you to, didn’t know if you wanted to, uh
KyleLohsetomy: ok. wait, no, I don’t remember how. oh, hold on, I do /throws awful pitch
HerSweetMcCann: /foul tips ball directly into Luis Salazar’s eyeball

AllSalazarFinal: BLEHHHHHHHHH /eyeball flies out


BenjaminFrankWren: BAD EYE LUIS BAD EYE
HerSweetMcCann: /runs to first
BenjaminFrankWren: Speak to me! Are you all right?
AllSalazarFinal: /says nothing, as he is borderline dead
BenjaminFrankWren: He says he’s all right, and that none of us are to blame! We’ve got to get him to a hospital. Fredi, find somebody else to coach bench.
FrediGotFingered: /waits until the 8th inning, finally brings in somebody else to coach bench
  **Online Host**
Meanwhile, in the Atlanta Braves Mansion of Heaven Chatroom…
RunRabbitRun: whatta ya mean Ryan Klesko, Ryan Klesko ain’t dead
TheGreatIM: He is. I’m almost positive he is. Didn’t you see him playing for the Padres? Why would I not kill him after that?
RunRabbitRun: figgered you’d keep a record of that kind a thing is all
TheGreatIM: Yeah, well, you’d figure I’d do a lot of things.
RunRabbitRun: dead or not I ain’t puttin’ Ryan Klesko on the All Time Dead Braves Team
TheGreatIM: What, you want me to kill Dave Justice?

RunRabbitRun: yeah, kinda, actually

hey hold on jesus what in the hell is that behind you

TheGreatIM: what

RunRabbitRun: it just popped up there a second ago, that goopy round thing on the ground, with the

oh jesus, is that a

TheGreatIM: not gonna make that joke /turns around
RunRabbitRun: it looks like a, like a eyeball
TheGreatIM: Oh, right, okay, that’s Luis Salazar’s eyeball, Brian McCann put it out of his head earlier today, I fogot, that’s part of my great plan.
RunRabbitRun: man jesus, I don’t wanna sound sacreligious or nothin’, but you got a pretty f**ked up plan
TheGreatIM: ha, no kidding, you should’ve been here when I decided I needed Ron Santos’s legs
Photos link to player info.