The Dugout: Atlanta Braves Spring Training 2011

03.21.11 8 years ago 58 Comments

The Dugout’s Spring Training 2011 event continues this afternoon with the Atlanta Braves, and the very real, serious story of minor league manager Luis Salazar losing a body part because he never became one with The Matrix and couldn’t dodge a line drive off the bat of Brian McCann.  In case you are new to The Dugout, I would like to openly express how little I would like to lose a body part myself, regardless of the situation.  I think that losing a body part would, probably, be a bad thing.

That said, here is a webcomic that manages to be ill-informed and somewhat theologically offensive at the same time.  Today’s Dugout follows, after the jump.  Leave us a comment, would you?  Unless you don’t want to SEE … the Dugout on With Leather anymore.

The Dugout

  **Online Host**
Welcome to the Atlanta Braves Spring Training Chatroom!
KyleLohsetomy: /manages to throw a pitch without giving up 8 runs
HerSweetMcCann: /takes the only good pitch Kyle Lohse is ever going to throw
FrediGotFingered: /gets fatter, does nothing
AllSalazarFinal: I think that no matter what, he should swing at this next pitch.
BenjaminFrankWren: Good idea, but what about the percentages
AllSalazarFinal: last year Brian had an average of .000 in at-bats where he did not take a swing for a 100% chance of failure. However, inversely, if he moves the bat he has a 50% of swinging
BenjaminFrankWren: right, but 100% is better than 50%, isn’t it??
AllSalazarFinal: haven’t gotten that far yet, don’t have my calc’ on me.

BenjaminFrankWren: baseball would be great if it wasn’t for all these f**king stats


HerSweetMcCann: Sure thing, semi-skip!
KyleLohsetomy: uh hey sorry but I can hear you to, didn’t know if you wanted to, uh
KyleLohsetomy: ok. wait, no, I don’t remember how. oh, hold on, I do /throws awful pitch
HerSweetMcCann: /foul tips ball directly into Luis Salazar’s eyeball

AllSalazarFinal: BLEHHHHHHHHH /eyeball flies out


BenjaminFrankWren: BAD EYE LUIS BAD EYE
HerSweetMcCann: /runs to first
BenjaminFrankWren: Speak to me! Are you all right?
AllSalazarFinal: /says nothing, as he is borderline dead
BenjaminFrankWren: He says he’s all right, and that none of us are to blame! We’ve got to get him to a hospital. Fredi, find somebody else to coach bench.
FrediGotFingered: /waits until the 8th inning, finally brings in somebody else to coach bench
  **Online Host**
Meanwhile, in the Atlanta Braves Mansion of Heaven Chatroom…
RunRabbitRun: whatta ya mean Ryan Klesko, Ryan Klesko ain’t dead
TheGreatIM: He is. I’m almost positive he is. Didn’t you see him playing for the Padres? Why would I not kill him after that?
RunRabbitRun: figgered you’d keep a record of that kind a thing is all
TheGreatIM: Yeah, well, you’d figure I’d do a lot of things.
RunRabbitRun: dead or not I ain’t puttin’ Ryan Klesko on the All Time Dead Braves Team
TheGreatIM: What, you want me to kill Dave Justice?

RunRabbitRun: yeah, kinda, actually

hey hold on jesus what in the hell is that behind you

TheGreatIM: what

RunRabbitRun: it just popped up there a second ago, that goopy round thing on the ground, with the

oh jesus, is that a

TheGreatIM: not gonna make that joke /turns around
RunRabbitRun: it looks like a, like a eyeball
TheGreatIM: Oh, right, okay, that’s Luis Salazar’s eyeball, Brian McCann put it out of his head earlier today, I fogot, that’s part of my great plan.
RunRabbitRun: man jesus, I don’t wanna sound sacreligious or nothin’, but you got a pretty f**ked up plan
TheGreatIM: ha, no kidding, you should’ve been here when I decided I needed Ron Santos’s legs
Photos link to player info.

Around The Web

People's Party iTunes