The Dugout: Buster Posey, 1998-2011

Pro Wrestling Editor
05.27.11 24 Comments

It’s been almost six months in Internet time since Buster Posey went down to a debilitating “entire body” injury, and Giants fans want answers. Posey’s agent wants Major League Baseball to enact “Buster’s Rule,” a rule wherein players would no longer be allowed to crash into catchers in exciting home plate collisions. Of course, this rule change would instantly heal Posey’s leg, and he’d be able to get back into the starting lineup within days. Hopefully, this will happen.

Arguments and visual aids have been presented across the blogosphere, and now the only respected voice in sports, The Dugout, must make its statement. What follows is the actual transcript between commissioner Bud Selig and Jeff Berry, Posey’s agent and a man who is lucky I haven’t introduced the Quisenberry Challenge to With Leather yet. If you know a baseball fan and they have an opinion, show them this transcript and set them straight. Today’s Dugout follows.

The Dugout

  **Online Host**
Welcome to the Major League Baseball Front Offices Chatroom.
BerryMeWithMyMoney: excuse me, Mr. Selig, do you have a moment?
bud_is_wiser: No. Hold on. /makes the fat lady from Mob Wives minority owner of the Mets
bud_is_wiser: okay, what do you want

BerryMeWithMyMoney: Sir, a true tragedy has taken place in Major League Baseball.

bud_is_wiser: oh sh** did they find out we don’t want any black players
BerryMeWithMyMoney: Uh, no. A catcher has been injured after a collision at home plate. He broke his leg, tore ligaments.
bud_is_wiser: so
BerryMeWithMyMoney: So? I think it’s an outrage. Ridiculous! I think we need to make a rule change.
bud_is_wiser: A rule change about what? Tell Ronny Paulino to roll his leg in some dirt, he’ll be fine
BerryMeWithMyMoney: I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation, sir. This catcher wasn’t a person of color.
bud_is_wiser: GASP christ son why didn’t you tell me sooner? Tell me he wasn’t one of the handsome ones.
BerryMeWithMyMoney: I’m afraid so. Young, handsome, white, and playing for a popular team.
bud_is_wiser: oh dear god no, tell me it wasn’t…
BerryMeWithMyMoney: It was. Our beautiful Buster Posey has lost his leg.
bud_is_wiser: oh well i was gonna say joe mauer, but i forgot he’s already hurt, but i mean OH NO NOT BABY BUSTER
bud_is_wiser: okay, tell me which rules I need to change and I’ll do it.
BerryMeWithMyMoney: Nobody should be able to slide into home helmet or shoulder first in an attempt to dislodge the ball from the catcher’s glove.
bud_is_wiser: Done. If the catcher touches the ball it’s an automatic out and you have to stop where you are and run straight into your dugout.
BerryMeWithMyMoney: Buster Posey must be allowed to wear an armored exoskeleton at all times
BerryMeWithMyMoney: should Scott Cousins (just throwing out names here) try to initiate contact, Posey is authorized to let fire the suit’s tactile missiles
bud_is_wiser: Done. Oh, I’ve never seen an exoskeleton so little! That’s going to be cute!
LesCousinsDangereux: now wait a minute
BerryMeWithMyMoney: I think we all need to remember that the Giants are the most important thing in the universe
BerryMeWithMyMoney: so please run extensive background checks on ever non-Giants player, so we can determine beforehand any Scott Cousins types who might only be knocking down Buster Posey to cause violence
bud_is_wiser: okay but, I don’t have to test them for drugs, do I
BerryMeWithMyMoney: no, of course not
bud_is_wiser: whew, I was gonna say

BerryMeWithMyMoney: oh, haha no yeah I don’t care about that

uh, next rule, Scott Cousins should be detained and cornholed

LesCousinsDangereux: CORNHOLD??
bud_is_wiser: This isn’t basketball, but I’ll see what I can do about the cornholing.
LesCousinsDangereux: look guys, I’m sorry I tried to score! I wanted to win the baseball! I didn’t think about how handsome the catcher was
BerryMeWithMyMoney: or how white he was
LesCousinsDangereux: or how white he was, no
bud_is_wiser: He was an important key to the Giants success! You might as well have burned the Koran
BerryMeWithMyMoney: I don’t think he’s sorry. I think he did it on purpose! Look at this graphic I made

**Online Host**
BerryMeWithMyMoney wants to directly connect.

**Online Host**
BerryMeWithMyMoney is now directly connected.

BerryMeWithMyMoney: /

bud_is_wiser: /squints
LesCousinsDangereux: yeah i can’t read any of that
BerryMeWithMyMoney: the red line across your body and the text above it indicate your direction. The line at the bottom is the direction of home plate, your "supposed destination."

BerryMeWithMyMoney: the yellow indicates a clear path to the plate

clearly you didn’t want to score, you ran sideways several feet and shoulderblocked an unawares Buster, rendering him handicapped emotionally and professionally, possibly for the rest of his life

BabyBuster: /stands on one leg

/forlornly eats ice cream sandwich

LesCousinsDangereux: this graphic is so f**king stupid

the red line isn’t my direction, it’s the angle of my body.

LesCousinsDangereux: "His supposed objective" is just idiotic, and the "clear path" thing makes it seem like running into the catcher is something I made up on the spot instead of being an accepted play forever.
bud_is_wiser: hmmm /squints at graphic
bud_is_wiser: well I guess I can see both sides of the argument
bud_is_wiser: Buster, lemme get a look at that face.
BabyBuster: /
bud_is_wiser: argh, sorry, he’s just too handsome of a white little baby, I have to change the rules
LesCousinsDangereux: SON OF A /runs toward chatroom exit, plows through Eli Whiteside for absolutely no reason
  **Online Host**
LesCousinsDangereux has left the chatroom, Eli Whiteside is now on the DL for 6-8 weeks.
bud_is_wiser: hey, do you want me to get him in trouble for that, too
BerryMeWithMyMoney: nah it’s just eli whiteside who gives a sh:t
BerryMeWithMyMoney: so hey, when do you think those rule changes will actually go into effect?
bud_is_wiser: I’m going to make a call about it right now
bud_is_wiser: so probably never, because I’m bud selig
Photos link to player info.

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