The Dugout: Meet the UltraMets

06.30.11 8 years ago 21 Comments

In case you haven’t been paying attention to the Mets since last Friday, these are the scores from their last four games, not counting the one in progress as this is being written:

6-25 @Rangers W 14-5
6-26 @Rangers W 8-5
6-28 @Tigers W 14-3
6-29 @Tigers W 16-9

Something crazy is happening to the Mets, and in the world of the Dugout that’s a more dangerous topic than “Roger Clemens stabbed somebody in the heart and paid to have it covered up”. The job of The Dugout is to emasculate the Mets at all cost, and if they keep playing like this I’ll have no choice but to start posting wistful Dugout retrospectives about them on Faith and Fear in Flushing.

Today’s Dugout follows.

The Dugout

  **Online Host**
Welcome to the New York Mets Chatroom.
TrueCollins: okay guys, it’s almost July, and if we’re gonna come back and take the Phillies I think we should play our best and try our hardest!  
TrueCollins: guys  
DudaRightThing: mehhh /picks ass  
DudleyDoWright: /sits in icebath, plays Super Mario 11 1.Make it all the way to the end of the world, but somehow manages to fall into King Koopa’s lava pit right before he accomplishes anything.
JayBaysKids: /browses  
TrueCollins: Come on, none of you think we can catch the Phillies?  
TrueCollins: Taylor, we can count on you, right buddy?  
BeltBucholz: sorry skip, on the DL  
TrueCollins: for f**king what  
BeltBucholz: needed to take a nap  
TrueCollins: Ugh. David, come on, put down the vidja games, get in there and hit us some bloop-knocks!

DudleyDoWright: sorry skip, on the DL  
TrueCollins: argh, you too??  
DudleyDoWright: Yep, factured my back carrying the team for the last eight years.  
JayBaysKids: LOL carrying us where .
DudleyDoWright: shut up, third place is still up two flights of stairs  

TrueCollins: son of a

I don’t hate myself, do I? I don’t want to kill myself, I’m nothing like Mike Quade, why did I take this job?

BeltBucholz: …because we’re the next logical step beneath "bench coaching the orix buffaloes" and "two years of unemployment"?  
JayBaysKids: c’mon, Terry, Wikipedia cites you as a "feisty and intense manager."[3] Can’t you figure out a way for us to win all at once, so we can get over it and move on with our lives?  
TrueCollins: hmmm  
  **Online Host**
20 Minutes Later
TrueCollins: okay, each member of the roster gets two poles. Hold one across your shoulders, tie the other one to your belt  
TrueCollins: we’re gonna hang bodies on these poles like a sh**ty talent show act, and every time you score we count it as 7 runs  
TrueCollins: if we score enough runs this way in the next 4 games, we earn roll-over runs we can use to beat the Phillies later  
TrueCollins: SO GET OUT THERE AND WIN ONE FOR THE… person who is important to the Mets!  

DudleyDoWright: YEAHHHHHH /jumps, freeze-frames

  **Online Host**
Welcome to the NOVELTY MOTIVATED NEW YORK METS CHATROOM, where this has been playing for the last four days
WaitressPleasePhilCoke: /throws the worst f**king pitch of all time  

KeepTheDevilDownInThole: /cranks ball into left field

/drives in 11 runs

WaitressPleasePhilCoke: holy sh:t what just happened to my life  

Oxymoron: /draws 7 walks

/steals 14 bases moving from first to third

DudaRightThing: /drives in 98 runs with duck-snort, raises batting average 300 points  
TrueCollins: YEAH BE THE BEST  
JayBaysKids: /hits first home run since 2002  

ReyesAGoodMovie: /drives in 260 runs with a stolen base

KeepTheDevilDownInThole: /defeats Dae Han at tae kwan do  

KeepTheDevilDownInThole: /doesn’t finish him off2

/earns brotherhood of murderous Korean

2.Not because of honor, but because Mets don’t know how to finish strong.
StrikeoutRod: /comes out of bullpen, starts hitting balls like he was related to them  
Oxymoron: /just starts throwing bodies at home plate like he’s playing Pop-A-Shot  

WaitressPleasePhilCoke: STOP IT



RADickal: /rounds second  
TheAngryInge: /tries to tag him out  
RADickal: /draws broadsword named after something you’d kill in God of War  
TheAngryInge: /craps pants  
  **Online Host**
The New York Mets have won the game 867-840
DudleyDoWright: jeez, that still seems pretty close.  
TrueCollins: Yeah well  
Photos link to player info.

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