The Dugout Opening Days '12: Baltimore Orioles

He’s not technically a Baltimore Oriole anymore, but when the O’s disassociate themselves from you you’re an Oriole until proven otherwise. From an AP report:

SANTO DOMINGO, Dominican Republic (AP) Former major leaguer Vladimir Guerrero said he has surrendered to police after authorities contend he attacked a police officer in a disco. Guerrero denied being part of an attack.

Police said no charges have been filed against Guerrero following the mayhem in Nizao, about 40 miles from Santo Domingo.

Maximo Baez Aybar, a spokesman for the police in the Dominican Republic, maintained Guerrero “physically attacked” police officer Renato Pena Rojas after a brawl broke out in the disco. Baez Aybar asked that Guerrero turn himself in “so the case can be put in the hands of the justice system.”

Thanks to chatroom technology we can jump to the moment of the arrest and find out exactly what happened, pending my ability to remember Spanish. Today’s Opening Days Dugout (which was originally just the above picture with FLAGGERERRO written at the bottom) is after the jump.

The Dugout


** Online Host **
¡Bienvenido a la Chatroom de la República Dominicana!

LadyCop: Licencia y registrario por favor  
VladTheImPLAYER: que  
LadyCop: sorry, it’s been a long time since I had to do this in the Dominican  
LadyCop: License and registration, please. /gestures with flashlight  
VladTheImPLAYER: /slides hand into wallet

/breaks four bones in hand trying to slide

LadyCop: Mr. Guerrero, do you have any idea why I pulled you over tonight?  
VladTheImPLAYER: ¿porque soy joven y soy negro y se baja mi sombrero?

¿parezco un lector del cerebro? no sé.

LadyCop: You haven’t been young in like 40 years. Pretty sure you were born 38.  
LadyCop: anyway no sir I’ve been asked to bring you in for your role in tonight’s melee at the El Punto disco and the assault of a police major.  
VladTheImPLAYER: ¿una major de policía? ¿es la policía repentinamente una banda de la escuela secundaria?  
LadyCop: /shines flashlight into car

Sir, have you been drinking tonight?

VladTheImPLAYER: un poco sí  
LadyCop: and at any point did you take a swing at a police officer  
VladTheImPLAYER: si, hago pivotar en todo  
LadyCop: all right, well, I appreciate your cooperation, I’m so used to getting bats whipped at me or having the hell choke out of me by you guys sometimes I forget you’re just

wait who are these guys

Bodyguard1: goons  
LadyCop: who?  
Bodyguard2: hired goons  
LadyCop: Hired goons??  

** Online Host **
Bodyguard1 and Bodyguard2 are now choking the hell out of a LadyCop.


** Online Host **
Later, in the Baltimore Orioles Chatroom!

LadyCop: /tossed into chatroom  
VladTheImPLAYER: lo siento, espero que Crusher y Low Blow no causaran lesión  
LadyCop: you know if you’re innocent you could’ve just ridden with me down to the police station  
VladTheImPLAYER: sí, pero la comisaría es tan impersonal. prefiero la sensación personal que usted puede conseguir solamente con los matones contratados  
LadyCop: Hired goons??  
VladTheImPLAYER: hice nunca ataco cualquier persona, ni era que huía  
VladTheImPLAYER: me presenté en la cárcel anoche después de la queja en la disco, y esta cosa de la mañana primera que fui a la policía que está manejando el caso  
LadyCop: then why’n the f**k you choke the hell out of me and fly-drag my ass to the only place in the world worse than the Dominican Republic  
VladTheImPLAYER: ¡Porque odio policía!  
LadyCop: GASPS  
VladTheImPLAYER: y no hay discos en baltimore así que voy a matarle con un arma del clavo y a ocultarle en un vacante  
VladTheImPLAYER: /shoots nail like 15 feet above LadyCop’s head  
LadyCop: AHH AHHHH  

** Online Host **
FredFlintstoneAndino Chatroom!

FredFlintstoneAndino: oh hey Vlad there you are I was hoping you’d still be in our chatroom, Buck said he might need a guy in the lineup today who can kinda squat over with his ass out and poke at balls 10 feet out of the strike zone like he’s trying to stoke a fire  
FredFlintstoneAndino: sorry didn’t see you were busy  
VladTheImPLAYER: ¡COGER LA POLICÍA! /accidentally drops nail gun

/tries to pick it up

/accidentally drops it again

FredFlintstoneAndino: looks like he’s trying to kill you with that nail gun and drag you into a vacant  
FredFlintstoneAndino: lol this is the Baltimore Orioles, lady, nobody here gives a f**k about human life  
Photos link to player info.