The Dugout Opening Days '12: Chicago White Sox

Chicago White Sox righty Philip Humber tossed the 21st perfect game in Major League Baseball history on Saturday, leading the Sox to a 4-0 victory over the Seattle Mariners.

His prize was a super awkward appearance on ‘Late Show with David Letterman’.

His consolation prize is having this special moment chronicled in the Opening Days series of The Dugout, so that it may be remembered and cherished for all times. The appearance on Letterman, not the perfect game.

Here’s that.

The Dugout


** Online Host **

Welcome to the Late Show With David Letterman Chatroom!

CantFindALetterman: this guy walks up to me, looks me right in the eye and gives me one of these he goes you uh… you got any gum

CantFindALetterman: Ha ha ha HAAAAAAA

CantFindALetterman: you uh… you got any gum

ShafferTheFlavor: /can’t believe he hasn’t killed himself at some point 30 years  
WhoDroveTheHumber: so should I start or what  
CantFindALetterman: so Paul, you uh, you uh, you seen this “game of thrones” people are talkin’ about … the “game of thrones” show? that people are talking about?  
ShafferTheFlavor: Game Of Thrones enhh  
CantFindALetterman: the game of thrones show  
CantFindALetterman: you uh… you got any gum

ShafferTheFlavor: ennhh ennh ennhh  
WhoDroveTheHumber: look guys, pretty sure my wife just went into labor so if we could move it along that’d be awesome, I’d rather see my newborn child than read your jack kevorkian jokes  
CantFindALetterman: tonight’s top 10 list /checks index card  
CantFindALetterman: top 10 things that went through philip humber’s mind AND NOW uh, presenting tonight’s top 10 list fromeer chicago white sox here’s “no-hitter” philip, uh, humber!  
WhoDroveTheHumber: hello everybody it’s me, “no walks” phil humber  
CantFindALetterman: so you uh, uhhhh you pitched a perfect game is that correct /checks index cards  
WhoDroveTheHumber: yes  
CantFindALetterman: but would you say it was really “perfect”? Ha HA!!  
WhoDroveTheHumber: ughhhhh  
CantFindALetterman: so you play “the baseball”, is that correct? how does that work exactly  
WhoDroveTheHumber: are you asking me to explain to you the entirety of baseball  
CantFindALetterman: do you throw it or do you catch it, or are you one of the guys that sells snacks and gum to the people in the crowd  
WhoDroveTheHumber: I throw and catch it Dave  
CantFindALetterman: ol’ philip omber in the crowd sellin’ his snacks, sellin’ his snacks to the people there, guy looks him right in the eye and asks … uhhh you got any gum  
CantFindALetterman: got any gum

and he does!

ShafferTheFlavor: whehhh  

** Online Host **

The studio audience is applauding for some goddamn reason.

CantFindALetterman: so how fast is your fastball pitch  
WhoDroveTheHumber: I don’t know, like 92?  
CantFindALetterman: HOLY SHIT WHAT  
CantFindALetterman: and yer slowball, how fast is the ol’ slowball pitch  
WhoDroveTheHumber: I can throw a ball as slowly as 0 mph dave  
CantFindALetterman: ZERO miles per hour! and that’s a difference of what there, that’s a difference of er uh what 92, 92 miles per hour  
CantFindALetterman: 92 miles, uh  
ShafferTheFlavor: 92 miles per hour  
CantFindALetterman: 92 miles per hour /checks index cards  
WhoDroveTheHumber: my wife is literally dying in childbirth without me right now probably  
CantFindALetterman: nyer uh top 10 things that were going through philip urmber’s mind when he was throwing a no-hitter perfect game, number 10!  
WhoDroveTheHumber: “how the f**k does David Letterman still have an audience in 2012”  
CantFindALetterman: number 9!  
WhoDroveTheHumber: “who the f**k is philip humber”  
ShafferTheFlavor: blenghhh  
CantFindALetterman: number uhh, number 8!  
WhoDroveTheHumber: /weirdly long pause

“thank goodness I didn’t have to pitch to tim tebow”

CantFindALetterman: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA  
WhoDroveTheHumber: number 7 is “thank goodness i didn’t have to pitch to jeremy lin”, do you just have a mad libs book and fill in the spaces with ransom note word clippings from people magazine  
CantFindALetterman: number 7!  
WhoDroveTheHumber: seriously  
WhoDroveTheHumber: thank goodness i didn’t have to pitch to jeremy lin  
CantFindALetterman: number 6!  
WhoDroveTheHumber: this just says “go sit in the truck”, is that a thing  
CantFindALetterman: number 5!  
WhoDroveTheHumber: “these batters are worse at hitting baseballs than kim kardashian and the kardashians are at having morals” and then you have “first draft” colon “fix” in red ink with a circle around it  
CantFindALetterman: number 4!  
WhoDroveTheHumber: “I am a good baseball player”  
CantFindALetterman: number 3!  
WhoDroveTheHumber: next to number three on the cue card you’ve stapled a playbill for Rock Of Ages and there’s a post-it stuck to it that says “tom cruise gay” with a bunch of question marks written in gel pen  
CantFindALetterman: eh heh heh number 2!  
WhoDroveTheHumber: “albert pujols doesn’t have any home runs”

good to know the guy on your team who likes sports got one approved

CantFindALetterman: and finally the number one thing that was going through philip plumber’s game, through his game while he was pitching a perfect game …  
WhoDroveTheHumber: I’m not reading that. Gonna go see my wife, goodbye for hopefully ever  

** Online Host **

WhoDroveTheHumber has left the chatroom.

CantFindALetterman: mark burly, everybody!  
ShafferTheFlavor: so enhh, what’d number one say  
CantFindALetterman: number one … “monica lewinsky”.

there we go, “monica lewinsky”

ShafferTheFlavor: /rests head on keyboard  
CantFindALetterman: stay tuned we’ll be right back with the lady who married rob on “rob” because a job’s a job and musical guest crazy town  
Photos link to player info.