The Dugout Opening Days ’12: Washington Nationals

The Washington Nationals are on top of the NL East after a hot 7-3 start, but that’s missing what’s important: Nationals Park is now offering a gross $60 dollar cheeseburger named after Stephen Strasburg. Because “burg”, get it.

Weighing eight pounds total (including toppings), the StrasBurger is a monstrous all beef burger (combination of ground brisket, chuck and short ribs). The burger is served on a large burger bun with our secret sauce, American cheese, shredded lettuce, sliced tomatoes, sliced red onions, pickle chips and served with a cone basket of fresh cut fries and a pitcher of your choice of soft drink. This signature dish is the perfect entrée to share at this affordably-priced family restaurant.

Today’s Dugout explores the whos, whats, whens, wheres and (most importantly) whys of the Strasburger. Reader discretion is advised.

Also, Pepto Bismol is advised.

The Dugout


** Online Host **
Welcome to the Washington Nationals Chatroom!

SlowLerner: new plannnn  
SlowLerner: it’s easier to empty nationals park than it is to fill it up so we’re gonna kill every remaining nats fan  
SteakGrowsOnDmitri: yee yee /brandishes burlap sack and a yardstick with bite-sized Snickers attached to it  
SlowLerner: what’re you still doing in here, get out, git, GIT /squirts pesticide from old-timey sprayer  
SteakGrowsOnDmitri: nyahhh  
SlowLerner: right, so, murder  
StrasburgerSyndrome: How do you expect us to do that exactly? I already met my pitch limit and stabbing is basically the same motion  
SlowLerner: no, nothing that messy  
SlowLerner: we’re gonna come up with the grossest food ever and name it after you and sell it at ballparks and people’ll eat it and die because they’re f**king animals  
TheBigRedDog: Like what? There is literally nothing to eat in D.C.  
SlowLerner: like thisss! /

SlowLerner: i present to you “the strasburger”, 8 pounds of ground brisket, chuck and short ribs with special sauce, pickle chips and to make it as gross as possible like nine dollars worth of american cheese  
SlowLerner: american cheeeese  
LifeIsWerthLosing: /vomits into glove  
NeitherKnorr: What’s the special sauce?  
SlowLerner: jim riggleman’s tears  
StrasburgerSyndrome: “The Strasburger?” Do I really strike you as an 8-pound cheeseburger kind of guy?  
SlowLerner: remembering that I don’t know anything about you, yes  
SlowLerner: what would you suggest mr. “baseball player”, what would be more “steve strasburg”  
StrasburgerSyndrome: I don’t know… a plate of hot wings?  
StrasburgerSyndrome: wings that are super hot, and you break into the first one and it’s the most delicious wing you’ve ever tasted, but then you knock the plate into the floor and can’t have wings again for a year  
SlowLerner: noted /doesn’t note it  
LifeIsWerthLosing: I WANT SOMETHIN  
SlowLerner: don’t you have enough, i gave you my last 20 grand so you could get lunch, stop asking me for food  
LifeIsWerthLosing: no man, as the face of the franchise I thought I oughta have an item on the menu or something  
SlowLerner: face of the  
SlowLerner: actually that’s a great idea, hot dogs are made from animal refuse and make hundreds of millions of dollars, they’re perfect for you  
TheBigRedDog: heh, what about me, Mr. Lerner?  
SlowLerner: what about you, farnsworth, for the last time i’m not naming anything after you  
TheBigRedDog: but but but but I’m not-  
SlowLerner: sorry, getting bored, when i get bored i give money to adam dunn  
SlowLerner: so if you have any further questions about those 15 dudes at nationals park who don’t own phillies hats and say woo when we play “thunderstruck” being gorged to their doom by our ham-product please ask now  
SlowLerner: if not, enjoy me bringing back adam dunn and enjoy how rich he is  
NeitherKnorr: What’ve you got for Xavier Nady?  
SlowLerner: 10 gallons of rocky road ice cream in a waffle bucket, we’re calling it “cones disease”  
NeitherKnorr: Anything for Mark DeRosa?  
SlowLerner: fair traded-15-times coffee, goes great with cones disease (but for a limited time only)  
LifeIsWerthLosing: Ryan Zimmerman?  
SlowLerner: whatever the mets named after david wright, but worse  
NeitherKnorr: Jesus Flores?  
SlowLerner: a bunch of cracker pieces and grape juice we spilled on the floor  
SlowLerner: (pretty proud of that one btw)  
SteakGrowsOnDmitri: meatry  
SlowLerner: we dump a pound of sugar into the toilet, then hold the toilet over your head at an angle and you have to beer bong it  
SlowLerner: also /releases the hounds  
SteakGrowsOnDmitri: pisssh since when you got dogs  
SteakGrowsOnDmitri: ohmuhgerd /throws self through window  
StrasburgerSyndrome: man, what happened, I was all excited about us, me and Bryce Harper showing up to make us the team of the future

turns out we’re just the f**king nationals

SlowLerner: the biggest bun in history with absolutely nothing inside  
StrasburgerSyndrome: what?  
SlowLerner: The Bryce Harper  
SteakGrowsOnDmitri: /rolls around in glass  
Photos link to player info.