The Dugout: The Houston Astros’ Keys To Success

04.28.11 7 years ago 31 Comments

I was talking with Nick the other night, and we determined that the most forgotten team in baseball is either the Toronto Blue Jays or the Houston Astros. Sometimes they’re moderately good or bad, but never enough for anyone to take notice. At least the Pirates and Royals can hang their hats on being perennially awful. At least the Brewers have Prince Fielder. At least the Blue Jays… are in a different country, which is sort of interesting. So Houston it is. Did you know that their coach is named Brad Mills? Liar.

I thought it would be nice, then, to shift the Dugout’s focus to Houston. This Dugout contains every single thing I know about the 2011 Astros. Find name-brand quality at store-brand prices after the jump.

The Dugout

  **Online Host**
Welcome to the Houston Astros Chatroom!
GeneralMills: so hey guys, i figure we ought to have a team meetin, talk about how we been playin
GeneralMills: you know, just odds an ends stuff
FigueroaSpeech: why don’t we ask Brandon Lyon, he’s “odd” and he’s at the “end” of his career

GeneralMills: now hey now i know you’re just jokin round but we oughta

GeneralMills: hey where is brandon
JRR_Towleskien: Oh, he’ll be back. He just had to run to the supermarket.
JeffVersusTheFulchino: the what
DrHallBillsSingAlongBlog: the what
Aneurysm: the what
FigueroaSpeech: the what
i_crapped_my_hunterpence: the what
JRR_Towleskien: The, uh, the supermarket. What’s the big deal?
FigueroaSpeech: hahaha you’re seriously the first person i’ve ever heard say “supermarket” in real life
JRR_Towleskien: That’s what it’s called!
DrHallBillsSingAlongBlog: no, it’s called a “grocery store”
i_crapped_my_hunterpence: Or “the store,” that would be fine
JeffVersusTheFulchino: like, people who say “I’m going to the grocery” are really weird, but not nearly as weird as you
i_crapped_my_hunterpence: Yeah, I mean, I’ve heard “I’m going to the supermarket” before, but it seems like something probably said on PBS in the 1980s
FigueroaSpeech: right. sort of how people all used to say “smorgasbord” in the 1980s and now NOBODY says “smorgasbord” for any reason
JRR_Towleskien: I say smorgasbord!
FigueroaSpeech: looooool check out this motherf**k
FigueroaSpeech: “hang on guys, i have to go buy a smorgasbord at the supermarket”
JRR_Towleskien: That isn’t how smorgasbords work
i_crapped_my_hunterpence: seriously dude what is wrong with you, what makes you such a weirdo moron
JRR_Towleskien: It’s not weird to call a grocery store a supermarket! “Supermarket” is one of the least weird things you could call a grocery store!
Aneurysm: there are like… 32 things you could call a grocery store that would be less weird than “supermarket”
JRR_Towleskien: Like what?
Aneurysm: /glares
Aneurysm: /deep breath

Aneurysm: “grocery store”


“the grocery”

“the grocer”

“the greengrocer”

Any store brand that’s used generically, like using “Kroger” to refer to every grocery store

“the swell folks at the grocery store”

“the swell folks at the grocery”

“God’s lunchbox”

“the Kentuckiana area’s #1 grocery destination”

“the Kentuckiana area’s #4 grocery destination”

“Fort Food”

“the market”


“the mart”




JeffVersusTheFulchino: wait, I can come up with some, uh, ok

JeffVersusTheFulchino: “bed”

“Koala Yummies purveyor”

“my husband’s pantry”

“the place that keeps calling me and asking me to pick up my three-year-old”

“Bugles brand snack distribution hub”

any preposition, such as “without” or “since”

ok i’m stuck

JRR_Towleskien: Ha! See? That’s only 23.

DrHallBillsSingAlongBlog: “marketplace”

“the marketplace”

wordless shrieking

“Utah dance floor”

“The library, only for keeps and with food”

“flavor central”

“ground zero for quality foods at reasonable prices”

“the freshness singularity”

“the giant rectangular butt that poops out grocery carts”


JRR_Towleskien: DAWWWWW
i_crapped_my_hunterpence: lol seriously, any time you say “supermarket” i think you’re a commercial
i_crapped_my_hunterpence: you say that and i just sit here and try to opt for the shorter version of you so hulu will play the 23-second simpsons clip i was trying to watch
GeneralMills: welp okay, good meetin you guys
Photos link to player info.

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