The Dugout: World Series 2011 Game 1

Pro Wrestling Editor
10.20.11 15 Comments

The Texas Rangers lost last night’s Game 1 of the 2011 World Series to the St. Louis Cardinals, 3-2. It was another in a well-played string of games from Tony La Russa, who got an enormous faux-hawk and decided he’d rather not ever lose at baseball again. Game 2 goes down tonight, and then we head to Arlington for Dirk Nowitzki, Zooey Deschanel and everything else you think of when you hear “Texas”.

The real story of the game, at least in my household, was how long I could listen to Joe Buck and Tim McCarver speak before saying f**k it to baseball entirely and playing Arkham City. About three innings. The following Dugout is a verbatim recreation of those three innings.

Enjoy, if that’s possible.

The Dugout


** Online Host **
Welcome to the Major League Baseball on Fox C

JoeBoo: two-and-one, now  
JoeBoo: /forty seconds of dead silence  
JoeBoo: Elvis Andrus  
JoeBoo: one away  
TheCarver: wait, what? what happened. what just happened  
JoeBoo: I think I explained it pretty clearly. Two-and-one now, Elvis Andrus, one away.  
TheCarver: those aren’t… those aren’t sentences. You’re just saying baseball words.  

TheCarver: like, what happens if somebody is listening to the game and needs to know what happened from the guy calling the game, how could they possibly put that together

I can’t do a book report on Charlotte’s Web and expect "reading a book now, here’s templeton the rat, one away" to pass

JoeBoo: what’s the problem, Tim  
TheCarver: explain to plot of "Rockabye Baby" to me  
JoeBoo: Rockabye Baby, in the tree top now. The bow has withstood the gust of the wind here tonight in St. Louis. No.  
JoeBoo: down comes baby, and isn’t it ironic that the day the baby was born was the same day Roy Halladay pitched a perfect game here in Philadelphia  
JoeBoo: /eighty seconds of silence  
JoeBoo: one away  
TheCarver: holy sh*t Joe, my brain is literally a puffy cheeto with a toothpick through the middle, when did I become the f**king brains of this operation  
JoeBoo: if you’d like to hear more, please insert $1,000  
TheCarver: Call the Itsy Bitsy Spider. The whole thing.  
JoeBoo: Eensy weensy spider now.  
TheCarver: /facepalms  
JoeBoo: and as you might know, the rain comes DOWN the water spout, and Ron Washington has got to be thinking "injuries"  
JoeBoo: two-and-oh the count now  
TheCarver: what are you even counting  
JoeBoo: /six minutes of silence  
JoeBoo: the spider, due to the rain, has been washed out.  

JoeBoo: Weather forecast calls for sun, so for all of us here at Fox Sports, I’m Joe Buck, and I’m going to stand motionless and stare at where the sun will be should it appear


Tim wake up

TheCarver: sorry, lapsed into a coma  
TheCarver: seriously, do you seriously not see what you’re doing … do you not ever listen to this, do you honestly have no idea how you sound  
JoeBoo: like i give a f**k, this is my dad’s job  

JoeBoo: the only reason I’m here is because selling energy drinks door to door didn’t pan out

i don’t care about baseball, i’ve been watching tv on my droid since this started, texas doesn’t even have a guy named elvis andrus

JoeBoo: and speaking of TV, the critics are calling it "darling and irreverent", don’t forget to catch an all new episode of New Girl, this Tuesday on FOX  
TheCarver: ok i won’t  
TheCarver: so what’s happening now  
JoeBoo: men on first and second, one out. Jon Jay, now. Albert Pujols probably on deck. One away.  
TheCarver: jason jay is easily my favorite st. louis brown  
JoeBoo: mine too  

JoeBoo: just kidding, baseball’s been over for like two hours, we’re just getting paid to say bullsh*t on television

I can say pretty much whatever I want

Scotty McCreery is like Hitler. Fire me, bitch

TheCarver: uh, I think there are people still out there /squints  

TheCarver: wait, has the game even started

JoeBoo: /adds Chris Chelios to fantasy football team  
TheCarver: five-letter word: fail  
Photos link to player info.

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