Sorry about the absence last week, at least to all five of the people who read this, but personal illness kept me from getting around to talking about how poorly my team was performing through the first four weeks of the season. But thanks to an especially wonderful performance from my new best friend and New York Giants tight end Larry Donnell, I finally slapped a 1 in the win column and we sent PFT Commenter to his rightful place in the basement of the UPROXX Invitational League. As for Donnell himself, well, he didn’t exactly make the smartest decision that he could in fantasy football this week.
According to Giants beat writer Art Stapleton (via CBS Sports), Donnell benched himself in his fantasy league in favor of Vernon Davis. Ouchtown.
I’ll never know what it’s like to be a professional athlete who has a performance for the ages like Donnell did last Thursday night against the Washington Redskins, with his 7 catches for 54 yards and 3 touchdowns, but I have to imagine that the rest of the guys in his league, be it teammates or friends back home, are never going to let him live that down. God knows I’d still bring it up 20 years from now. You know, if the NFL still exists.
As for the rest of our own boneheaded decisions this week, let’s get on with the fun and take a look at how the UPROXX Invitational League is doing…
Finally, I’m glad to report that there’s some actual controversy and scandal in this For-Pride league. Before Thursday night’s game started, I used my powerful commissioner status to push through a trade between Cajun Guy and Katie Nolan, as the former sent Rashad Jennings to the latter for Kelvin Benjamin. Well, the league’s resident “expert” and my personal fantasy football advice guru, Ryan Hester from FootballGuys.com, felt left out on the deal and wrote:
I’m not asking you to give me a top-12 RB for a (maybe) top-25 WR like Ms. Nolan recently received in the Rashad Jennings Heist, but feel free to send some offers my way.
Cajun Guy didn’t take too kindly to his trade and/or gumbo recipe being questioned like that, so he replied, among other VICIOUS JABBERY:
Um, Kelvin Benjamin is currently the 7th highest scoring WR in our league and he’s caught a TD in each game this year. Rashad Jennings is the 5th highest scoring RB, but he compiled the majority of his points in one game. Those 5 points Jennings racked up this week were HUGE. Yeah, that’s a real goddamn “heist” right there.
And then I called everyone losers, and Stephen Douglas from The Big Lead called me a loser, adding:
Then Katie finally showed up, and she was all:
You guys are almost as bad at trash talk as you are at fantasy football.
Well, guess what, Katie… you’re not in first place anymore, so take THAT! Anyway, we’re all best of friends and this is the most fun I’ve had on the Internet since I helped Catfish Manti Te’o.
You probably lost this week if you played against… Eli Manning (33 points), Matt Asiata (28), Jamaal Charles (28), DeMarco Murray (27)
Eli was the big one this week, as he might have been in someone’s starting lineup because of that nasty Week 4 bye week that had some of the best players in fantasy out. I wouldn’t get too excited that he or Asiata will do it again, but stranger things have happened. As for Charles, being a person who took LeSean McCoy over him with the No. 1 pick in my main league and then playing against him this week and losing because of him, well, that just f*cking hurt.
The QBs who did what we expect them to do: Andrew Luck (30), Aaron Rodgers (28), Philip Rivers (27), Matt Stafford (26), Tony Romo (24), Matt Ryan (22), Ben Roethlisberger (22), Drew Brees (21), Colin Kaepernick (21)
The QBs who broke our hearts this week: Nick Foles (5), Tom Brady (6), Kirk Cousins (9), Cam Newton (12), Blake Bortles (14)
I only included Blake Bortles in the heartbreakers, because I want him to be the best QB in the world and put up 40 points each week. In the meantime, it’s time that people who drafted Brady to be their top guy start thinking about alternatives moving forward. I’m not a hater by any means, but that offense is just an underwhelming bathtub fart right now, and it’s not looking like it’ll be better anytime soon. Hey, I’m just saying that Mike Glennon’s probably available.
The RBs who did what we expect them to do: Frank Gore (23), Matt Forte (17), Alfred Morris (15), Eddie Lacy (11), Le’Veon Bell (10)
The RBs who broke our hearts this week: LeSean McCoy (1), Joique Bell (3), Rashad Jennings (5), Arian Foster (6), Reggie Bush (6)
Other than the Shady elephant in the room, this was a pretty standard and average week for most RBs. So what the hell do we do with McCoy now? It’s obviously not entirely his fault – unless you’re like me and believe in the curse of the bad tip (and I’ve been on his side this whole time, so the threat is real) – because the Eagles offensive line has been awful. This week is going to be the telltale sign for McCoy’s fate, I think, as the Rams have been awful against the run, and McCoy should be able to slice and dice, even without his starters in front of him. At least I pray that’s how it’s going to work out.
The WRs who did what we expect them to do: Steve Smith (25), Antonio Brown (25), Randall Cobb (23), Jordy Nelson (22), Reggie Wayne (17), Kelvin Benjamin (13), Keenan Allen (13)
The WRs who broke our hearts this week: DeSean Jackson (1), Calvin Johnson (1), Julian Edelman (2), Pierre Garcon (2), Cordarelle Patterson (3), Michael Crabtree (4), Andre Johnson (5), Jeremy Maclin (5)
In addition to Donnell, I had Steve Smith going this week, so there was no way that I was losing to Jacob, even though I had to start EJ Manuel at QB with Peyton Manning on a bye and my hubris never allowing me to have a quality backup. But my heart goes out to all of the Calvin owners out there, as I’ve never had in him in any of my leagues throughout his entire NFL career, but I can still imagine the pain of starting him and not getting at least 10 points. He just seems automatic, and I can’t imagine being let down by him. DeSean Jackson? Sure. Megatron? No way, Jose.
The TEs who did what we expect them to do: Delanie Walker (14), Martellus Bennett (13), Jimmy Graham (12), Rob Gronkowski (9)
The TEs who broke our hearts this week: Vernon Davis (1), Zach Ertz (2), Greg Olsen (3), Antonio Gates (3), Charles Clay (3)
I feel like 12 from Jimmy Graham is still a letdown, but I’m just picky like that. Meanwhile, I’m sitting at the crest of this Bennett wave and just wondering when it’s going to crash. Hopefully never, but it’s sure fun while it lasts.