06.15.07 11 years ago 32 Comments

I've always thought that homeless people are only good for annoying me and smelling bad, but it turns out that if you get enough of them together, you can use them for your own entertainment.  (They will still, however, smell bad.)  The fine people at the nobly named Farting Bag have alerted me to Random Thoughts of a Surf Reporter, which tells the story of the 2007 HobOlympics at Venice Beach:

First up was the “chug-of-war” so I took orders for beer. Requests ranged for everything from Camo Silver Ice 21 (Victor), Budweiser (Leprechaun), Whatever the Fuck Has Alcohol In It (Christian) and even something called "Hurricane" by Randy and a couple of the other irregulars. Off I went to the "little fucking Korean" and filled up a soft sided cooler with 2 beers for each contestant. Even at “little fucking Korean” prices I was able to get about 14-15 24 oz. beers for only 20 bucks.

"OK, the first person to finish their beer gets: Ten Dollars!"… It soon becomes clear that Randy is either going to win this thing or die trying. I can honestly say that I have never, anywhere, seen someone chug beer that fast…"Look, Mom, I finally won something!" he shouted.

I'm not gonna lie to you, this surf reporter dude is my new hero.  In the rest of the story, he makes a bum vomit, toys with bums' hopes for cash rewards, sucker-punches a bum in the kidney, and insults Minnie Driver to her face.  The only way it could have ended better is if he sent them to the "showers" at the end of the day and buried them in a mass grave.  Ha ha, just kidding!  Not really.

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