The Miami Marlins Are Giving Out Fedoras For Father’s Day

On Sunday, most people will take a break from their typical weekend fodder of getting blackout drunk and screaming, “Sunday Funday!” to visit their dads at home or the track or prison. But the sons and daughters of South Florida have the opportunity to make this Father’s Day incredibly special for their fist-pumping pops, as the Miami Marlins are offering 5,000 lucky fans a free fedora with their tickets to Sunday’s 1 PM game against the St. Louis Cardinals.

Compared to the rest of the Marlins’ Sunday giveaways this season, this one is just odd. Among the other items being offered to the fans who brave watching baseball’s worst team play are drawstring bags, posters, a duffle bag, headphones, and Juan Pierre and Mike Lowell bobbleheads for anyone looking to complete their set of the “Marlins’ Most Memorable Guys Who Were There For More Than One Season”, along with Jeff Conine and Orestes Destrade.

But I thought that I would contribute to the cause by making some recommendations for more holiday stadium giveaways…

Presidents’ Day – The Marlins could open Spring Training each year by rewarding fans with a portrait of team president David Samson with owner Jeffrey Loria. They could hang it in their homes and admire it when they’re budgeting for new city and county tax hikes.

Memorial Day – The first 5,000 fans above the age of 18 to enter the stadium will be signed up for military service in a new deal that Loria signed with the government, giving him a tax break for every fan he enlists.

Independence Day – Loria and Samson allow the first 100 season ticket holders through the gates the opportunity to get out of their contracts, before setting off a huge fireworks show that fills the stadium with smoke so he can escape before signing any papers.

Labor Day – The first 10,000 fans to enter the stadium get to work concessions and custodial services to experience the privilege of working for a pro sports franchise.

Columbus Day – Any fans that would like to experience sitting in a baseball stadium in October are welcome.

And I know that Valentine’s Day takes place before the season begins, but maybe the Marlins could celebrate it in August by having Scott Stapp show up and serenade any loving couples who have working ears. How beautiful that could be…