The Terrific Adventures Of White Michael Vick

Senior Writer
08.26.11 13 Comments

Yesterday, the above image was published by ESPN for the article, “What if Michael Vick Were White?” which appears in the Sept. 5 issue of ESPN the Magazine, or Highlights for Sports as I like to call it. Of course everyone’s heads exploded like that dude in Scanners over the picture of Michael Vick in whiteface. Some people freaked out because they said the image is offensive. Others freaked out because ESPN is stupid and it’s just a natural reaction to hate something that they did. Even more people attacked the article’s author, Touré, because they thought he came up with the title and picture. Such an angry culture we live in.
Touré insists that he had nothing to do with article’s title, the image, or people with one-word names. I’ve read the article twice and I’m not so much offended by it as I’ve simply shrugged my shoulders and wondered why the hell we’re still talking about this. Touré makes a great point – Vick’s crimes weren’t about race, as much as they were about where he’s from. There are neighborhoods, cities, families, and all-around mindsets in which dog fighting is considered normal. And we already know that, but Touré felt that we had to talk about it again.
I don’t want to talk about Vick’s problems anymore, though. As far as I’m concerned, Vick’s only real problem is his inability to pick up the blitz. I just want to talk about that exceptional white male that ESPN invented for the sake of stirring the pot. White Michael Vick has me seriously intrigued. So I set out to find out more about White Mike Vick the man, and what really makes him tick.

First up, like any wealthy white athlete, White Vick and I stopped by a Tea Party rally to make sure that our voices were heard. White Vick was originally a big Tim Pawlenty supporter, but he’s really liking what Rick Perry is putting out there.
It’s not all business with White Vick, though. After the rally we headed over to his local park – recently rebuilt after the city pulled funding from a lower-income housing project to add new slides and a jungle gym – for a rousing game of kickball. I asked White Vick if he was worried about being injured, but he just laughed and reminded me that his entire contract is guaranteed, while Sketchers also insured his legs for $30 million.
Time to hit the town, fellas, and it all begins with karaoke at the Ale House with White Vick’s portfolio manager and country club neighbors. White Vick’s favorite tune to sing? “Hold My Hand” by Hootie and the Blowfish. Darius Rucker once called him up on stage. It was the highlight of his rookie year.
Most people don’t know that White Vick majored in American History at Dartmouth, and on the weekends he volunteers with the local Boy Scouts by hosting Civil War reenactments. The money raised goes toward purchasing new school busses for the magnet schools.
The musical talent doesn’t stop with karaoke. White Vick slaps a mean bass for a Lady Antebellum cover band. They don’t play many gigs during the regular season, but in the offseason, there’s not a city council election that doesn’t feel the thunder of his bass solo on “Lookin’ for a Good Time.”
More than anything, White Vick is a family man, and there’s nothing his family loves more than Sunday dinner at the Olive Garden. Endless breadsticks? White Vick accepts that challenge!
Sunday evenings are meant for unwinding, unless White Vick is leading the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday Night Football. But if he’s not, he invites White DeSean Jackson over for brand new episodes of “Entourage.”
One little known fact about White Vick is that he’s a certified sommelier. He hosts regular wine tastings at his own bar, White’s Wines. And you can bet that the ladies absolutely love his ability to match wines with meats.
White Vick is also a single father, but it’s because his wife was killed while doing missionary work in the Sudan. Now he raises their child, Richard Milhouse Vick, on his own. Lil Dicky loves tee ball and White Vick loves coaching his team.
White Vick isn’t proud of everything he does, as some of his endorsement deals require him to make appearances that he wouldn’t normally make. For instance, he recently hosted a pool party at Rehab in Las Vegas. But before you pass judgment, know that he donated his earnings to the Kennel Club of Bel Air.
When he’s not leading the Eagles to the playoffs, White Vick spends his offseason Sundays with his second favorite athletes – NASCAR drivers. White Vick is a huge Matt Kenseth fan, but he’s hoping that Dale Jr. gets back in the groove soon.
White Vick is also a serious animal lover, starting with his horses, Captain and Tenille. He doesn’t get to hit the stables as much as he’d like, not since Tenille developed arthritis, but he still gets some of the neighborhood kids out for ride on occasion.
Speaking of horses, White Vick is getting in on the latest photo memes! Haha, he’s a real character with his horsemaning.
When the lockout was in full swing, White Vick was never very worried about his financial future, mainly because he has so many lucrative modeling offers. For instance, not many people know that he appeared in this famous GAP ad.
Football can’t last forever, though, and White Vick is lucky to have a best friend like actor Channing Tatum, who has been quite vocal about White Vick getting into the acting industry. However, White Vick isn’t nearly as gifted as Tatum when it comes to dancing!
As for his romantic life, White Vick was recently linked to Kristin Cavallari, as the two were spotted canoodling at Koi in L.A. However, White Vick’s agent says that they’re just very good friends and he was lending an ear in the wake of her split with Jay Cutler.

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