A 14-Year-Old Hockey Player Purposely Gets Penalties So He Can Masturbate In The Penalty Box

Senior Editor
10.16.14 24 Comments
hockey masturbation


I woke up this morning and said “Isaac, you are not gonna post about a serial masturbator today.” Well here I am and here you are reading it. A mother wrote a letter to Emily Yoffe of Slate, complaining of her son’s bizarre masturbation habit. In short, her 14-year-old son intentionally gets penalties in hockey so he can whack it in the box.

Q. My Son Can’t Keep His Hands Off Himself: I am a single mother with a 14-year-old son. I knew this time was coming but now I fear I am close to my wit’s end. I have seen evidence in his bedroom, the laundry room, and the kitchen. I know this is normal, but how much is too much? Things escalated last week when his hockey coach called me in for a conference. I have noticed my son has been taking a lot of penalties this season. It turns out he has been intentionally going to the penalty box to pleasure himself. I lashed out at him when about this and things have been awkward around the house this weekend. Am I overreacting? I know I have to talk about this with him in a calm setting, but I always find the thought of this type of discussion horrifying. I am losing sleep and I don’t want to succumb to letting his father deal with this, but what should I do?

I have so many questions here. First of all, what? Secondly, how? Thirdly, why? Fourthly, is that possible with all that equipment? Fifthly, I hope the stick wasn’t involved.

But seriously, let thee who hasn’t whacked in a public place cast the first box of tissue. Also, Emily Yoffe’s advice is mind-numbingly stupid.

A: Lashing out at a 14-year-old because he’s displaying troubling symptoms does not speak well for you, Mom. You need to apologize to your son, tell him this is a very hard conversation for you two to have, but you are concerned that he is not understanding the boundaries between public and private behavior.

How does that conversation come up?

Mom: How was school today?
Masturbator: Good.
Mom: Good, good.
Masturbator: Yeah.
Mom: Everything going well?
Masturbator: Yep.
Mom: Hey, can you stop touching yourself in the penalty box?

(Yes I realize this might be fake and frankly, I don’t care. I still laughed.)


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