This Week In Chicks Who Bang Athletes

Senior Writer
12.08.10 6 Comments

Kim Kardashian recently wrapped up her miserable failure World AIDS Day fundraiser by taking time out to update E! Online about her dating life. And she’s back to ruining the value of another professional athlete. This time her victim is New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries. No offense to Kris, as I’m sure he’s a good guy, but Kim has clearly gone from Red Lobster to Long John Silver’s.
Kim told the people who provide news to morons that she’s been enjoying the single life, so this more than likely means that Humphries, who has never averaged more than 24 minutes per game in a season, is just a bench spot speed bump on the highway to HPV supremacy. Kardashian, who is famous because she made a sex tape with a rapper we’d never heard of, also said that she’s done ruining the careers of NFL players. Responded everyone who had Miles Austin in fantasy football this season, “Gee, thanks.”

“No,” she replied when I asked her if she’s hesitant to date another pro at the launch of her Brissmor watch line last night, “But I probably would never date a footballer again!” Apparently hooking up with the likes of Reggie Bush and Miles Austin has ruined the NFL for her! (Via E! Online)

ROFL! It’s funny because she ruined the NFL for them, too. At least Reggie got a Super Bowl victory for his career before her obvious witch spell completed his transformation to completely useless fumbletard. As for Austin, he barely dated the girl and he’s having an entirely forgettable season. Poor Kris. He’s averaging just over 7 points per game as it is. He could end up negative. Although, there are worse things than dating a Kardashian and being declared negative.

Follow along after the jump for a look back at Kim’s pro sports dating career and how those athletes have fared…
Before: Heisman Trophy winner, NCAA Champion, Walter Camp Award, Doak Walker Award, 2006 NFL No. 2 overall draft pick. Pretty solid gig.
During: Missed multiple games in the 2009 season due to knee and other various leg injuries, but eventually won the Super Bowl. Ended up dumping Kim because his grandmother allegedly disapproved of her having a sex tape with a guy nobody has ever heard of.
After: Lost his Heisman Trophy after his college legacy was destroyed by his alleged acceptance of expensive gifts while at USC. The school has since removed all depictions of him in the athletic facilities. He also probably has an occasional rash.
Before: He played a bunch of soccer and nailed Paris Hilton. That’s about all I know about this guy. Didn’t he get involved with some hookers at one point, too? Probably. That’s what I would do if I were a famous soccer player.
During: Ronaldo and Kardashian “dated” through the duration of one E! Online web update. Kim was in Portugal at the same time as Ronaldo, who plays there so the coincidence was shocking, and someone took a picture of the two making out. They probably didn’t have sex since they weren’t dating.
After: Ronaldo is still a soccer god and has had sex with more girls than you or I will ever meet.
Before: Austin had a breakout season in 2009, amassing 1,320 yards and 11 TDs on 81 receptions. He immediately leapfrogged to the “elite” status of NFL wide receivers and it seemed that he and Tony Romo were in for one beautiful pro relationship.
During: Instead of being regarded as a top WR, all of the focus on Austin regarded his relationship. But he remained relatively low-key as he seemed to be backing up his 2009 season with 146- and 142-yard performances in his first two games this season, as well as a 166-yard game against Tennessee. Then they broke up.
After: Some blame Austin’s breakup with Kim for Romo’s broken clavicle and subsequently ruining Austin’s fantasy football value. By some, I do mean me.
Before: Since entering the league in 2004, Humphries has played for the Utah Jazz, Toronto Raptors, Dallas Mavericks and he is now on his second stint with the New Jersey Nets. He’s never scored more than 8.1 ppg in a season, so this may actually be the greatest thing that’s ever happened to him.
Prediction: In about two weeks, E! Online will be asking Kim about her new relationship with Jarome Iginla.

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