This Week In Original Etsy Sports Merchandise

Boy oh boy, it sure is getting hot outside now that summer is here. That means it’s time to wear lighter, more revealing clothes, and it’s also a chance to spruce up your homes in case you decide to have the gang over for BBQ and a game of cornhole. You should also try that beanbag game.
Thankfully, you lucky consumers have me and my awesome Etsy searching skills to not only find you the hippest athletic gear to wear to the parks and/or strip clubs (bike shorts, fellas) but also to help appease your sports interior design bug with homemade decorations for your favorite teams. This week, it’s less about athletes and more about you and your humble abode. Oh, and also my love of breasts.

(Banner via Shutterstock)
Sure, this isn’t necessarily sports-related, nor is it really sports apparel, but I’m a fan of what the finished product might look like. Sadly, my imagination isn’t working very well, so if any ladies out there feel like springing the $19 for this yoga top and sending pictures of a trip to the beach or maybe a sponge fight at an all-girl car wash, I won’t ignore them.
For just $9.99, you can ruin your mom’s favorite shirt with this Softball Mom sequin pattern that tells everyone, “My daughter loves sports and flannel.” And who knows, maybe in a few years after you’ve completely forgotten about playing softball, you’ll dig that shirt out of a closet and sell it as “vintage”.
Children are very impressionable, so many parents like to hang up inspirational messages around their homes to keep their kids’ ambitions and hopes high. This $325 motivational sports art set does just that for the little all-stars in your household by telling them to ignore those dizzy sensations and blurry spots. Drink some Gatorade and get back out there to practice your zone blocking, you little woman!
Sure, you can spend a few bucks for a poster of your favorite ball player and I guess you could call yourself a fan. But wouldn’t you rather have something that you can display above your fireplace and/or Foreman Grill that says, “I love athletes and I’m sophisticated”? That’s what this $25 Justin Verlander portrait print will say to your friends and cable repairmen for the rest of eternity. Especially when they ask, “What the hell is he so afraid of?”
Babushka dolls have long been a treasured Russian collectible, but now you can celebrate beautiful artwork in unison with your favorite football team. In this case, you can find beauty and inspiration in this hand-crafted set of $44 Russian nesting dolls before the Cleveland Browns game begins and completely destroys your hopes and dreams.
For $12.95, your girlfriend can finally bring the romance back to baseball with this San Francisco Giants thong that screams, “For the love of God, will this make you pay attention to my vagina?”
I think this is actually considered child abuse, but I might be wrong. In any case, for $210 you can make your kid’s heart hurt a little more each day with this custom Wrigley Field sign until it’s eventually his turn to make his child’s heart hurt.
I would love to make fun of this $179 canopy dog bed that is adorned with Dallas Mavericks logos, but the fact that they will make a St. Louis Cardinals version means Lilah Q. Burns will probably be sleeping in one by next week.
“GRRRRRRRRR I HATE MEN!” would be the battle cry of your all-girl coed kickball team, the Windigo Girls, when you sport these $14 black shorts emblazoned with the universal symbol for female.
Finally, this may seem like a simple scarf, but this handmade Bettina Knits cardinal red and gold scarf is perfect for any fan of a team that displays those powerful colors. So what’s the price of team pride? $195. I’ll take two.